Show Me The Way

EVIE’S POV:

I had met with Dr. Block for the first time this week. I thought it might help, considering how much of a mess I had become. But in reality, she knew too much. Too much about my brother, and Zayn, and me. It was all just too close for comfort. And I knew I would never get around to finding a new therapist, so I decided to give up on that idea. But, it hadn’t been the actual meeting that had caused the sudden urge to crawl into a ball and cry. it was the fact that as I was walking into Dr. Block’s office, I passed a window that looked down to the entrance of the building, and there was Zayn, leaving through the same door that I had just entered, walking briskly, hands shoved into his pockets, an obvious cloud of smoke already trailing behind him.

God, I missed him so much it hurts.

It had only been a little less than a week and I felt like I was going through withdrawal. All I did was work, go home, ignore Zoey, and try to figure out what would make me happy. But the only thing I ever came up with was Zayn. He was literally the only thing in my life that actually made me feel good anymore.

And that was pretty sad.

Because I had become one of those girls who depended solely on her boyfriend. And I always hated those girls.

I mean, work used to be pretty fun. But ever since Grace went to Niall to tell what she thought she saw between me and Nate, i’ve sort of felt uncomfortable around her. I don’t want it to be this way between us, but I can’t really help it. I’ve never been great with trusting people.

So yeah, that’s basically it. And it’s almost New Years Eve. And I’ve never been one of those people who’s obsessed with New Years; the midnight kiss, the resolutions, the whole big thing… It just never was a big deal to me. But now I feel gravitated towards it; to the idea of starting over, a new beginning, and being able to make concrete promises to yourself about things you want to do better, and then trying to actually do them. And the kiss part… I would really love to ring in the New Year with Zayn. I just didn’t know if that was going to be possible.

He kept his promise of giving me space this time; no calls, texts, he hasn’t come into the cafe… Nothing. And if I was being honest, I was slightly disappointed. This seemed to be so much easier for him than it was for me. Why was that? Did I care too much? Was I too invested in our relationship?

And just to be clear, it’s not like I haven’t been obsessing over Will. Much like Zayn, he hasn’t called or texted or made any sort of contact. But it’s different. Zayn was doing that because he thought I wanted him to. Will was doing it because he wanted to, and didn’t seem to care what anyone else thought. So yeah, there’s a difference.

I haven’t really been sleeping well either. I would go to bed, try my absolute hardest to fall asleep, but it just wouldn’t happen. I even resorted to taking a shot of Nyquil on nights when I really just couldn’t take it anymore. It was like my mind just couldn’t be shut off. Even late at night, in my room, I thought about the mistakes i’ve made with Will, and Zayn, and Zoey, and myself.

Tonight was one of those nights.

It was around 2:30 AM and after re-reading some of my favorite book, I flipped the pillow over onto the cold side. But after almost half an hour, I was still just tossing and turning.

Nyquil every night had to be doing some type of damage to my internal organs, so I didn’t want to try that again. I wandered into the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet, not sure what I was looking for.

Wait, yes I did. But it wasn’t until I saw it that I realized what I was doing this for.

The small orange bottle, white label ‘William L. Baylor. Take one tablet with water as needed’. There was still over half a bottle of the small white pills. I examined the tiny print on the outside, deciding if this was really something I was going to do. None of the warnings sounded too bad, and I had seen Will taking these a couple times when we first moved here. So, I did it.

I dropped one pill into the palm of my hand, got a glass, and swallowed it with a big gulp of water.

- -

I took those same little white pills every night for the next five nights. They worked, but they did make me feel sort of strange later on. It seemed worth it, to be able to have a good night’s sleep.

I feel strange the next morning after taking the pill, waking up only until I knew I needed to leave for work. Will’s sleeping pills had been a lifesaver, I can’t remember the last time I slept that well. Usually i’m waking up over and over during the night, whether it be due to vivid dreams, or I just can’t stay asleep. But lately, there was none of that. I slept like a log.

Which i’m pretty sure is how I ever slept through six calls and a voicemail from Zayn at 4 AM. I listened to the message at least a dozen times, but hearing his drunken, slurred words never failed to make my heart clench.

“- Baby, baby, it’s me. I’ve been walking up and down your street for fuckin’ ages. I don’t know what i’m doing here. I know, space, I know I said i’d give you space. But i just- I can’t take it. God, I can’t handle this for much longer. I need you, Ev, I fucking need you. I can’t live without you, I’m a mess. You make me so damn happy. I just wanna see you and kiss you and touch you and make love to you and I don’t want anything else with my life. And if that makes me pathetic, I don’t give a shit. You’re all I want baby. Just you-”

This was when there was a short pause.

“- What am I doing? Shit, shit, I’m sorry. I don’t know why i’m here. I’m gonna screw it up. I’m just- I’m gonna go. I swear, I won’t call again. I promise. I’m just- I’m so drunk, plastered. I need to stop doing this. I swear, Evie, I’m gonna stop doing this to myself, and you. I’m gonna be good for you. I’m sorry. I’m leaving. G’bye.”

I sat in my room for what felt like forever, listening to that damn message over and over, listening to over word, hearing the pain in his voice, but also relishing in how sexy he sounded; low and raspy and his accent thick, the way it is when he drinks, sometimes to the point that I can’t even understand what he’s saying. But that definitely isn’t the case now. I could recite the entire thing by that afternoon. No matter what I did, where I went, his voice was ringing in my ears. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. The message made me happy, but it also hurt me. By the end of it, I could tell how upset he was. He was beating himself up for something that wasn’t at all his fault. He didn’t deserve any of this.

* * *

ZAYN’S POV:

If it weren’t for the proof of my call log, I wouldn’t believe that I actually hung out in front of Evie’s building last night at 4 AM, calling her incessantly, like some insane, creepy stalker. I had been pissed, out of my mind wasted. I had barely made it home before passing out on the floor of my bathroom, right after puking into the toilet. And it wasn’t until the next morning that I remembered leaving the ramlbe-ey message that most likely scared the hell out of her because she wasn’t aware of how insane I was. And the worst part? She hadn’t responded.

I mean, I guess I didn’t expect her to. It’s been almost a week without a word from her, so why should this make things any different? But I did wish I could remember everything I had said to her, so then if I did see her, at least I would know what to apologize for.

But I didn’t try and talk to her again. Instead, I spent all day nursing a terrible hangover and trying to figure out what I could start doing with my life to make everything suck just a little bit less. I used to be so busy with work, which distracted me from realizing how unhappy I was with myself. Now that I didn’t have that, and I didn’t seem to have Evie, what the hell was I supposed to do? The only things that took away the pain in my chest and the weight on my shoulders was either Evie, or the substances that messed with my mind, taking away all the feelings I never tell anyone.

I wanted to be worthy of her. I wanted her to see something in me that she wanted, the way I looked at her. But I still didn’t know how to do that. So instead of trying to figure it out, I went back to the dirty, dark, lonely bars.

Notes