Are you my sister or my partner?

Sorry guys, I haven't been on and this is kinda the story why.

So Oct. 16th it was rainy. My principle took all of us to Mount Wachusett. This was in Mass, and we were in Connecticut. So we took the long bus drives there.

I fell off the mountain. I was hurt, I couldn't move. It was very painful. My principle stayed with my older sister and I to wait for an ambulance. My school got on a bus, went back to Connecticut, and left us.

Long story short, doctor said I should stay home and rest to heal. So I listen.

Oct. 17th Noah and I planned to hang out but I told him I couldn't. He was fine with it.

"October 28th then? Its the day before your sister's birthday." And of course I said I would hang out then. I had a crush on this kid. I didn't have any friends at that high school. The college students wouldn't talk to me. (I went to Quinebaug Middle College for school) [http://www.eastconn.org/index.php/quinebaug-middle-college-home] He sat with me in World History/Philosophy. He was so funny. Always made me smile.

Well he made new plans on Oct 17th so he wasn't bored. This caused him to get on his ATV and crash. He was rushed to the same hospital I was in the day prior to UMass. (He lived near the border, it was the closest. I lived closer to Hartford than UMass.) He was in the same hospital room as I. He fell into a coma. His lungs both had holes in them. Before he was in the coma, he was in unimaginable pain. I was strong. I went to school the 19th. Our whole school made get-well cards and posters for him. I was lonely but his friend Austin and I told ourselves he would pull through.

This kid Philip messaged me on facebook. "I am sorry Kay, but I know he isn't going to pull through. I know, I have that gut feelings, don't get your hopes up." I pushed that aside.

October 28th came. I was sad I couldn't hang out but I told my self when he was better we would hang out and I would buy him the PS4 he wanted. I missed him.

October 29th, my sister's birthday came. I woke up from a nightmare at 4 am that day that my advisory teacher Mike said Noah died and my security guard had to take me out of the room with two other students. I shook off the thought and went to school around 6. I arrived at 7 and was in advisory 20 minutes later.

My security guard came in the room. My teacher said, "2 are missing but we will tell them later." I heard him. My heart sunk. I just had this nightmare, is this a dream in a dream?

"Never in all my years training to become a teacher, I thought I would have to say this." I knew and started tearing up. Noah turned 15 the second day of school and our advisories had cake together. My boyfriend at the time and I shared cake and we let Noah sit with us. This kid grew on us. He was amazing, he always sat with me at lunch where I sat with my bf's friends. My bf already had moved away to Indiana and left me there alone at the table. So Noah being there was great!

"I am sorry to say Noah passed away late last night." I bawled. He died. I still cry at night to this day. I missed him so much I became depressed. I fell back into my depression, my meds don't help, I had to change schools. My classmates blame me for his death.

I went to the office and over 100 students left school. He was everyone's favourite person, he made everyone happy. Just seeing him you would go from kill me to happy happy joy joy. I left the office, went into the elevator and went up to the third floor.

Austin, Noah's bestfriend, hugged me while I was crying. I couldn't stop. Austin must have felt terrible, Oct 16th, he told Noah he hated him. They got into a fight. Austin posted on his facebook once Noah was in a coma saying he was sorry, he didn't mean it, please get better. But Noah never got to hear the apology.

One of Noah's friends knew apparently we were suppose to hang out Oct 28th. They said to me he was excited. He was going to ask me out on Oct 17th but since I was hurt he was going to wait till Oct 28th. But he never got to.

A kid sat in Noah's seat and I had a mental breakdown and walked out of class. I didn't come back, I sat on the seat in the atrium. I watched Philip come back into the school. He saw me and hugged me tightly. It wasn't just a hug but once so tight that you felt safe. One that you didn't want to leave.

My last day at QMC, Philip gave me another and everyone started hugging me from all around me afterwards. But I just wanted to stay there, hugging Philip. I was now losing every friend. I moved to the smallest state of the United States and am here, going to school here.

My heart sunk so much. Nothing made me happy. Still nothing makes me happy. I use to love writing but now it hurts to write. I can't. I use to write stories with Noah. I can't deal with his lost.
My ex moved back from Indiana recently due to his mother's death. He moved there to get away from his ex step father's abuse. Now he is back. He lives with his grandma. I was so close to his mother too. She trusted me as much as she trusted him.

She trusted me more than her oldest son. She trusted me with her credit card. She invited me to dinner, their cookouts before her second oldest son and I started dating! She was my second mother and welcomed me and now she is also dead. They don't know why, she died in her sleep way too f*cking young.

So I just keep getting beaten into depression and I was actually beaten by some random person. I have pictures of my face bloody and after I cleaned up, the bruising around my eye, noah, cheek, mouth. All because of this.

On March 5th, my birthday, I am not going to be happy. I am selling my Fall Out Boy tickets. All 20 of them. Noah was gonna go with me. On Halloween I sat watching AHS and didn't know my siblings left to trick or treat, didn't know my dad and his bf left to go to the store, I was unaware of my surroundings. Numb. They left and came back. I don't remember anyone leaving. I shortly had a breakdown and got in a fight with my dad's bf who hit me. I moved out that minute walked to my mothers and brought all my stuff. Thanksgiving, in honour of Noah, I didn't eat or drink anything all day. Christmas Eve, I didn't open presents at my mother's, my mom's bestfriend opened them for me. I didn't go to my dads on Christmas and I didn't open presents till 10 pm and my step-sister opened all of them.

It hurts. I sing this one song everyday for Noah. I change the name Anthony in the song to Noah. Its called Brother, by Falling in Reverse.

Thats why I haven't been updating. Sorry guys.

Notes