Part of You

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I played with my phone in one hand, nervously biting my thumbnail. Should I invite her or not? Would she take it the wrong way, or I would push her?

I typed my password on my phone for the trillionth time. The conversation between me and Hailie popped up.

Should I, or not?

Not.

I locked my phone. It’s better that I invited someone else. I’ll call Louis. I shuffled my phone back in my pocket and stood up from my bed. I looked through my window to verify if Hailie was coming. I doubled take the view of the street; she was there. She was walking slowly and stopped. She turned around, retracing her steps. Again she stopped. She face palmed her forehead before shifting back to my house, speaking to herself. Why this sudden hesitation?

I shrugged and wondered who I’ll be meeting. Maybe she wants to introduce me to her mother and she's not really prepared. Her parents must be divorced, because Hailie was only living with her father. It sucks, really: having your parents divorced. They supposed to show you that no matter what, they always be together, there for you.

Obviously, my parents failed at it.

That’s it; I was going to meet her mother. Hailie said she cherished that person, so it must be her. Who wouldn’t love his own mum?

The conversation I’ve eavesdropped between Hailie and Niall rushed in my mind. She wasn’t really… happy to talk about her mother. Hailie said everything was to blame on her. About what? The divorce maybe?

I don’t know.

Hailie was now in my driveway, and it reminded me I wasn’t quite ready: I had only slide on another pair of black jeans and my necklace. I opened my drawers and grabbed the first dark t-shirt. I put it on and took a long black sleeve shirt. I heard the doorbell.

I ran downstairs, struggling with the left sleeve. Once it was on, I put my shoes and my jacket just before I opened the door.

‘’Hey.’’ Hailie greeted me while I closed the door and locked it.

‘’So, where are we going?’’ I asked.

‘’It’s uh, not that far.’’ Just like I saw her earlier, she seemed nervous.

‘’Don’t worry; I’m sure whoever it is will love me. Who wouldn’t love me anyway?’’ I laughed, trying to cheer her up a little.

She nodded and smiled weakly. We stood still in front of my door. I was waiting Hailie to move, since I didn’t know where to go, and she did know. My observation concluded she wouldn’t move until I would talk.

‘’So… I guess we’re walking?’’ I cleared my throat. That was really stupid; stating the obvious. We don’t have our license yet. At least, what I had said made her move. She started walking and I followed her. We turned to the left, taking our morning path for school.

We were silent. I guess Hailie was because stress was playing on her nerves. I, on the other hand, I didn’t know what to say. I felt like I would push her, not only about what I said to her at the party, but about everything. Habitually, when someone’s anxious, you’d talk to them and tried to distract them about what troubled them. But now, with Hailie, I just don’t find the right words. I’m afraid I’ll do something wrong.

Oh, I’m such a girl from time to time…

Our steps, the cars and the environment were the only things that filled up our silence. We walked past the school and suddenly, Hailie stopped. I guess we’re supposed to wait for the person here. Just when I started looking around, Hailie began to walk. I turned my attention back on her and examined where she was going. I jogged to her and froze.

A cemetery.

Scared of what that meant, I continued following her closely. This is why she was acting all weird and hesitating. Slowly, Hailie’s steps halted and she stared at one particular grave. Carefully, I look at it.

‘’Our dear Lily Howell, a fallen angel that flew back too soon.’’

That must be her mother.

I couldn’t believe it. Hailie had lost her mother. Yes, our parents will die someday, so do us. But Hailie’s only 17 years old. It so early. I don’t know what I would do without my mother, especially now. She helped me with so much; reminding me to use my head sometimes, teaching me the line between ‘this is appropriate’ and ‘if you do that, I’ll kick your ass.’

I wouldn’t be here, standing next to Hailie, if my mum was laying six feet underground. My parents are divorced since I’m just a kid, and it was really hard on me. I don’t want to go into details, but if my mum wasn’t supporting me through all these years, I just wouldn’t be here.

A shiver ran down my spine at the thought of my mother’s death.

I didn’t know what to say. Not ‘I’m sorry.’ It’s stupid and useless. It won’t solve anything. My eyes continued examining the grave until I spotted something weird. The years. 1999-2008.

‘’Is it your mother?’’ I asked. Is that all I got to say? It’s impossible that it could be her mother. That would mean she died at nine years old. I was a bit relief; Hailie hadn’t lost her maternal figure.

‘’I would preferred.’’

Her tone was so cold, so harsh. No scent of affection in it, only pure hate. I looked at her, my eyes wide opened. How could you wish your mother’s death?

‘’It’s my sister.’’ She whispered, still looking at the grave. ‘’I don’t remembered talking with you about her at the party, but you must have said something that clicked in my mind. I just can’t put my finger on it.’’

My heart slammed against my chest. Perhaps referring about my ‘love speech’ without even realizing it…

‘’What happened to her?’’ I hesitantly asked. My curiosity got the best of me, and I regretted it.

‘’I-I’m sorry. It’s not an appropriate question.’’ I instantly said. What’s wrong with me today? I kept asking dumb things!

‘’Don’t be. Nothing holds you for not knowing.’’ She knelt down and I mined her movements.
‘’My mother’s birthday was coming. She wanted to spend the weekend in a cottage, so my dad brought up the idea to reserved one, and invited the whole family. Lily and I we’re both excited. We skipped school on Friday so we could pack up and leave earlier. My oldest brother, Frank, couldn’t miss his classes, because there was important exams that day. He arranged a lift with dad's sister, Jana." She stopped and chuckled lightly.

‘’Lily wanted so bad to put on her ballet dress. My mother objected because Lily could ruin it with mud once we would be at the cottage. Sure, I was on my sister’s side, so just before we settled down in the car, Lily and I found a lame excuse to run back in the house and replace her outfit with her ballet dress." Hailie's smile faded away and paused her story for a minute or two.

"The cottage was at least a 3 hours car ride from home. Usually, when we were travelling, Lily and I entertained ourselves with riddles and stuff like that. My mother was driving and was sick to hear us laughing and screaming. She looked at us for two seconds, telling us to shut up. Two seconds too much." Again she paused. This sounded like a hard part to narrate.

And I'm not sure if I'm ready to hear it.

"I-I didn't knew what was happening. Seconds before, I was teasing Lily at how pathetic she was bad with riddles, and then the car was flipped over. It's only in the hospital that everything hit me: when they told us Lily had died. When they told me, on the 29th of March, I had lost my sister."

We remained silence after that. I let her words run freely through my mind: how could that happened to her?

I would have never found out. Hailie was projecting a bubbling girl with a beautiful future ahead of her, no fear, no pain. Just happiness.

But how could she be happy with the traumatizing and tragic death of her sister?

What all I was seeing was just fake? High, guarded walls painted with bright colors hiding the true Hailie?

‘’I chose the epitaph.’’ Hailie continued. ‘’She believed in angels, so we were saying she was maybe one, and that always made her happy.’’

We stopped again talking and let the silence float in the air. Hailie’s words were still stuck in my head. She hadn’t cried while reciting her memories. Maybe she was shy to let it all out in front of someone.

‘’You can cry; I don’t mind.’’ I said.

"I’m alright, it's been five years Harry. I moved on."

"Still, even if she'd be gone for 20 years, you can't toss away the tears. At how you explained everything, I can see how much you loved her, and you still do."

For the first time since we were in the cemetery, her eyes focused on mine. She looked between my eyes, surprised. Have I said something wrong?

‘’You… Maybe you’re right…’’ She muttered.

Again, the silence fell on us, but I broke it.

‘’Thanks.’’

‘’Why are you thanking me? I should be the one thanking you; you must be bored by n-‘’

‘’Hailie, don’t say that.’’ I cut her and trapped her hand between mines. ‘’I’m not even close to be bored. I’m thanking you for sharing this with me, sharing your pain with me. Like I said the first time we met, I’m here for you whenever you need to talk to someone. If you just need a hug, a shoulder to cry, ears to listen or just chilling out, I’m there. Remember that.’’

She nodded slowly and stood up.

‘’Well, that was my sister I wanted you to meet.’’ Hailie changed the subject and brushed her pants with her hands.

I did not mind at all if she wasn’t answering what I just said: she opened up to a stranger. No, you idiot. You’re not a stranger.

But something seemed… still off. I know it’s weird, but when you let yourself talk about something tormenting your mind, usually, you felt good afterwards. You felt a heavy weight pushed away from your shoulders.

But Hailie wasn’t like that. She was avoiding my eyes now, her head down.

I stood up and followed her to the exit of the cemetery. Why is she acting like that? We made our way back on the street, trailing our steps from earlier. My eyes analysed her face, and still, she had no expression. Something was off. It clicked it my head; her beautiful facade had tiny cracks in it and she was trying to fix the cracks with her silence. ‘Quick, before someone damage it more.’

Her necklace was bouncing while she was walking. At the end of it, a crescent moon was attached. Hailie was just like the moon; part of her was always hidden away, and she wanted to keep it that way.

But not for long. I have walls to smash down. I have to set free the real Hailie, the one who hide behind her barrier. I have to erase the colors on it and let the authentic ones come out.

Why you, Harry? You know just bits of her past. Because obviously, her own friends hadn’t realize she was still as broken as before.

Thinking of it, I sound like a crappy romance book. ‘The new guy scents a problem going on in the happy girl he falls in love with and he’s the only one able to save her’ and blah blah blah. I don’t care if I’m cheesy or acting like a prince trying to save her princess from darkness. Hailie is like everyone; she has a past to forget, a present to live, and a future to build. But her past won’t let her go, and it trapped her in her own mind.

I should be a psychologist.

I was so concerned by my thoughts that I haven’t recognized Hailie’s house.

‘’So, uh… I’ll see you Monday.’’ She said.

I nodded, and without thinking twice about my action, I enveloped her in a tight hug. Hesitantly, her arms climbed my back and accepted my embrace. Her body relaxed a bit, but she was tense.

‘’Remember, I’m here for you.’’ I whispered delicately in her ear.

She detached from me, squeezing a little bit my heart without knowing. I can never get enough of her. That was cheesy.

I turned around and headed to my house. I furtively watched behind my shoulder to see her another time, just to print her small figure in my mind. She hadn’t start walking towards her own house. I stopped and faced her fully, exanimating her features for the third time today. Her brows were up, her eyes veiled with sadness.

‘’I don’t want to go in there…’’ She whispered to herself.

I decreased the space separating us. My heart pounded loudly at the idea racing in my head.

‘’You can come over mine if you want.’’ I suggested.

She was looking at her house, but I could see her eyes widen a bit. Please, say yes, my heart begged. Stupid you. She can go at Niall’s or Perrie’s or anyone else than you, my brain hissed.
Hailie’s eyes traveled lazily to the ground, than dared to look in mines.

And then, her expression snapped. A smile grew on her lips, her eyes curving happily.

‘’Yeah, that could be fun!’’ She said. Her tone was just like the usual. Happy.

Did she forget what happened moments ago? I’m not sure to understand now.

Ah. The walls.

Notes

So yeah. Her sister died. :/ Now do you understand why it was hard for me to write it? I have a brother and we are close to each other. So, we know what happened to Lily, so that's why she's no more around. But what about Hailie's mother, Maggie, and her oldest brother, Frank?

-Do you think Harry should break Hailie's walls? Is this a good idea?
-Will Hailie open up more to Harry?
-What more secrets Hailie has closed up in her?