It's lunch time, and believe it or not, I managed not to get in anymore trouble.

I am heading to the toilets before going to the lunch. I am meeting Lauren and Meli after.

From this year, I am supposed to be allowed to get out during lunch time, but as you guess, I am punished, and it includes not getting out of school at lunch.

That's embarrassing. All the others are eating outside and I am stuck here. Well, with Meli. Isn't she an angel?

On my way to the toilet, I see Tara. Too late to run away, I try to walk faster.

"Hey, honey. I heard you were punished. Poor baby. Well you had it coming. I mean, after that story in June.." says Tara

"What story?" asks one of her stupid friends

"What?? You don't know?? Everybody knows!" Answers Tara.

"And I am sure you were the one telling them. Bitch"

"You don't need to be rude, Miss Rebel. And go to the toilets, your nappy is going to leak again."
Tara and all her friends start laughing

I blush and run to the toilets. I feel humiliated. Two years ago, I had my period for the first time... By surprise... In the middle of the day. Yep. And Tara always makes sure I don't forget it. Or that no one forgets it.

I don't feel like joining Meli and Lauren right now. I get at the back of the school and get down the stairs. There is never no one going here during lunch. I shouldn't be here neither. But I need to be alone.

I put my head on my knees and try to think. How did I end up being the bad girl. The loser. I used to be a normal 12 years old.

I would be good at school. I loved to play tennis, Pap was always picking me up after the lessons, once a week. I used to love those days. Pap was the one who worked the most outside the house. He had a music label, in addition of the group, and had to go away quite often.

So he insisted on coming to get each of us once a week after sport and use that time on the way back home as quality time. Just him and me, Lauren or Lisa, depending on the day.

I had Tuesday. I was exhausted after two hours of practice. Pap was always coming inside to get me. I hugged him, really happy to see him. He was always kissing me on the cheeks or forehead and smiling at me, genuinely happy to find time to spend with me in his busy schedule. Oh, I wasn't special, he was as happy when he went to pick up Lauren or Lisa, but I felt like I was special.

Almost every time, he would buy me something to eat or to drink before getting into the car and heading home. We always took our time, enjoying the discussion. I could tell him everything. He would gently mock me, and we laughed.

I remember that once I dropped my hot chocolate in the car and dad looked at me and mockingly rolled his eyes then joked about me being the clumsiest girl ever and how he was going to buy a seat cover for "Iris day".

I remember how safe and happy I felt. My dad was soft and gentle, even if he was strict with respect, manner and honesty. It makes me cry remembering those memories.

Everything changed two years ago. Pap had problems at work, because of an accountant who stole money. He was stressed and less there for us. When he was there, he was not his usual nice. Meli wasn't in my school yet. As a shy person, I didn't socialise so much. So when Poppy started talking to me, I felt special. Poppy was popular and not shy at all. I started spending a lot of time with her. I guess I picked her bad habits. I started to find all of Pap's rules stupid and talking back to him. He started to scream at me more and more, until we end up having daily arguments that made everyone's life at home difficult. We had just lost the ability to talk.

Things were a little bit better last year, with Meli in my school and Pap's problems resolved. But something was broken. We still fought a bit but had our moments were we laughed together or had great time as a family. The 5 of us.

That was until last June. Dad and Pap left for a weekend, as they sometimes did. Our ex Nanny, Paulina, comes home when they leave. I don't really like her. But It's OK just for two days.

My problems began when Paulina called one morning. It was the week before the weekend she was supposed to come. She said that she couldn't come anymore because she was sick. I answered the phone and told her I would let my Dads know.

But hey, me being me, I forgot to tell Dad on the way to school. I realised it after he left, while saying "hello" to Poppy.

"What are you doing" she asked me while I was taking my phone

"Calling my Dad to tell him" I answered,

She grabbed my hand to stop me and pull me apart from the rest of the group.

"Wait, Iris... Sweetheart... Think about it a second. Why would you do this. Your Dads are leaving for the weekend, Lisa will be away all weekend for her swimming competition and your nanny won't come. Come on, you're a big girl, you don't need no one to watch you anymore."

"I don't know, Poppy" I felt sick in my stomach to even think about lying to Dad and Pap.

"They threat you like a baby. We could have a little party, just 5 or 6 of us, no one will never know. Just some beers, no adults. I'll help you clean before your Dads come back"

I look at her hesitating

"Iris, you would be the cool girl. For the rest of the year. And after. And I would make sure that Marcus comes. I know he likes you". She smiled at me knowing that this would make me melt. I am head over heels for Marcus. Like every girl at school. I could spend an evening with him? A whole evening?

"Hoooooo, you know I can't say no to that"

I spent the rest of the week stressing, sweating, and acting weird. To the point that Dad checked my temperature by posing his hand on my forehead and neck one evening. I felt so guilty. Even more while he was being so attentive to my well being. I almost burst in tears, hoping he would find me warm and cancel the weekend

"Are you Ok honey"

"Yes Dad". I was in my bed, at 7 pm, and dad was sitting next to me. he bent downet to me and put his head against mine


"You know I love you?" whispered dad

"Yes Dad" someone please kill me

""You can talk to me about everything, I am there for you. What's going on?" he whispered again

"Nothing Dad. I'm just feeling tired. It must be the end of the year. And this girl, Tara, is making my life miserable again, but don't worry, I've got this under control".

Dad looked into my eyes with concern, as to check that was true. I don't know if he felt that I was lying but he just lay down next to me, playing with my hair.

"Fine then, if you ever want to talk, you know where to find me"".

After 5 minutes, Pap came to check if everything was OK.

"Are you OK, Love?" he asked me, scared.

"Yes, I am just a bit tired" No please, don't be nice too. I feel awful, please leave "Pap, Dad, I'd like to sleep early today... see you tomorrow"

"Message received" said dad, kissing one last time my right temple.

"One for the left" said Pap in an funny tone, then he gave me 10 loud wet kisses. "I want to kiss that cuteness out of you"

"Pap, I don't want you to kiss the cuteness out of me, I'm too old for that, I want to sleep" I said, laughing despite myself

"Good night honey" did he say before turning the light off and closing the door. I burst into tears as soon as the door was closed. I felt lonely, and to be honest, I felt like the worst daughter in the world. I stayed in my room, my bedroom that I wasn't sharing with Lauren yet.

I did everything that Poppy told me to do. I took Pap's phone and sent a message to tell Paulina that "Iris gave me your message. Don't worry, I understand, I hope you'll feel better soon". I waited for the answer and erased both messages. How could I have thought it would never be found?

I also told Dad that Paulina had called to know if he could drop us at her house instead of her coming,home because she was waiting for a man to repare her washing machine. That we would come home later, Paulina Lauren and me. Dad didn't even wonder if it was true or not. He trusted me

I didn't know how much that trust worth before I lost it.