Fanfiction 101
She Taught Me How To Love
She Taught Me How To Love
Author: Oh Hipsta Please
Rate: 8
WARNING: Spoiler alerts are revealed in this review; so if you plan to read the story, don’t read further that the part about grammar unless you want to know spoilers.
Your grammar wasn’t too bad, but you need to remember to use punctuation when writing dialogue. Dialogue is still sentences and need commas when being continued into a sentence, or periods when they are the ends of a sentence. Also, when writing, “s/he says” after a piece of dialogue, s/he does not need to be capitalized and should follow a comma, not a period with the exception of question marks and exclamation points.
Example:
(How You Wrote It)
"Leigh" I said gently rousing her from her peaceful sleep.
"What time is it?"
"Five"
"Are you ready for today?" She asks as she laid her head on my chest.
"I think so"
(How It Should Be Written)
"Leigh," I said gently rousing her from her peaceful sleep.
"What time is it?"
"Five."
"Are you ready for today?" she asks as she laid her head on my chest.
"I think so."
Can you see the difference? I tried to excerpt a piece of your writing that could show a variety of different ways dialogue is written. Just try to remember where to put punctuation and when or when not to capitalize.
Another thing, when you start a new paragraph, it would make you story a lot easier to read if you put a whole line of space between them. It’s not technically required, a lot of readers just find it easier to read that way and it defines you paragraphs better.
Moving on the actually story part, I could tell from the summary that this was going to be a story about Harry finally being united with his child that he never knew about, but the way your summary sounded made me actually want to read the storyline that had been used many times before. Before I even opened the first chapter, I had this feeling that you were really going to make this story yours.
I really like how you start out with a prologue of Harry explaining everything that happened between him and Leigh before you get into the present day. Normally I wouldn’t like that kind of thing, but you didn’t just rush through and say, “this happened, then this happened, and then this happened…” Where other may have done that, you actually made it sound like a story, so good job!
Now, when the lady from child protection services comes to his house, he says that he and Leigh were “romantically involved” 4 years ago, but then she tells him that Emma is almost 2 and she thinks she’s his. I may not be old enough to have children – or even be “romantically involved” – but I am good at math. And with knowledge I have acquired in the short length of my life, I can tell you for a fact that it only takes 9 months to make a baby and bring it into this world. So you have your first 9 months without the baby but then you have a remaining 3 years and 3 months with the baby if 4 years is accurate, so Emma has to be at least two – no offense. You just might want to change that a bit.
On the other hand, I’m glad this isn’t the typical storyline where the girl and baby both come back into his life. You’ve taken your own spinoff and made it so that the girl is dead and he is left with their daughter. I honestly have never read anyone write that before, and I can honestly say that I love it. And that isn’t even the main plot! But I’ve given a lot of spoilers already, so I think everyone just needs to finish this review and go read She Taught Me How To Love. It makes me want to cry, and I don’t cry – I just don’t.
Overall, I love your story. You do need to work a little on your dialogue and figure out the whole age thing, but I totally recommend this story for everyone to read. It’s an amazing twist on a partially unoriginal storyline. I’m subscribed and hope to see you updating soon. <3
If you find your review to be disappointing, I cannot honestly tell you that I’m sorry. Do not let what I say in any way discourage you from writing or anything for that matter. I am just one person with strongly opinionated views on everything. If I made it clear that I strongly dislike your story, do not think that other people won’t enjoy it. There are many other readers with different views than me who will find interest in your story where I may not have. I hope you do take something out of this and improve on and continue your writing, but if you don’t, that’s fine too.
Author: Oh Hipsta Please
Rate: 8
WARNING: Spoiler alerts are revealed in this review; so if you plan to read the story, don’t read further that the part about grammar unless you want to know spoilers.
Your grammar wasn’t too bad, but you need to remember to use punctuation when writing dialogue. Dialogue is still sentences and need commas when being continued into a sentence, or periods when they are the ends of a sentence. Also, when writing, “s/he says” after a piece of dialogue, s/he does not need to be capitalized and should follow a comma, not a period with the exception of question marks and exclamation points.
Example:
(How You Wrote It)
"Leigh" I said gently rousing her from her peaceful sleep.
"What time is it?"
"Five"
"Are you ready for today?" She asks as she laid her head on my chest.
"I think so"
(How It Should Be Written)
"Leigh," I said gently rousing her from her peaceful sleep.
"What time is it?"
"Five."
"Are you ready for today?" she asks as she laid her head on my chest.
"I think so."
Can you see the difference? I tried to excerpt a piece of your writing that could show a variety of different ways dialogue is written. Just try to remember where to put punctuation and when or when not to capitalize.
Another thing, when you start a new paragraph, it would make you story a lot easier to read if you put a whole line of space between them. It’s not technically required, a lot of readers just find it easier to read that way and it defines you paragraphs better.
Moving on the actually story part, I could tell from the summary that this was going to be a story about Harry finally being united with his child that he never knew about, but the way your summary sounded made me actually want to read the storyline that had been used many times before. Before I even opened the first chapter, I had this feeling that you were really going to make this story yours.
I really like how you start out with a prologue of Harry explaining everything that happened between him and Leigh before you get into the present day. Normally I wouldn’t like that kind of thing, but you didn’t just rush through and say, “this happened, then this happened, and then this happened…” Where other may have done that, you actually made it sound like a story, so good job!
Now, when the lady from child protection services comes to his house, he says that he and Leigh were “romantically involved” 4 years ago, but then she tells him that Emma is almost 2 and she thinks she’s his. I may not be old enough to have children – or even be “romantically involved” – but I am good at math. And with knowledge I have acquired in the short length of my life, I can tell you for a fact that it only takes 9 months to make a baby and bring it into this world. So you have your first 9 months without the baby but then you have a remaining 3 years and 3 months with the baby if 4 years is accurate, so Emma has to be at least two – no offense. You just might want to change that a bit.
On the other hand, I’m glad this isn’t the typical storyline where the girl and baby both come back into his life. You’ve taken your own spinoff and made it so that the girl is dead and he is left with their daughter. I honestly have never read anyone write that before, and I can honestly say that I love it. And that isn’t even the main plot! But I’ve given a lot of spoilers already, so I think everyone just needs to finish this review and go read She Taught Me How To Love. It makes me want to cry, and I don’t cry – I just don’t.
Overall, I love your story. You do need to work a little on your dialogue and figure out the whole age thing, but I totally recommend this story for everyone to read. It’s an amazing twist on a partially unoriginal storyline. I’m subscribed and hope to see you updating soon. <3
If you find your review to be disappointing, I cannot honestly tell you that I’m sorry. Do not let what I say in any way discourage you from writing or anything for that matter. I am just one person with strongly opinionated views on everything. If I made it clear that I strongly dislike your story, do not think that other people won’t enjoy it. There are many other readers with different views than me who will find interest in your story where I may not have. I hope you do take something out of this and improve on and continue your writing, but if you don’t, that’s fine too.
@That_clifford_girl
Hi! I don't normally do this but I'm just gonna get right on it.
It's in my knowledge that this author isn't coming back. Which means your review isn't coming. But! I recently started up a review store so if you're interested you can link your story there.
All you have to do is click my name and follow the form. :-)
12/31/16