Fanfiction 101
Sinister World
Sinister World
Author: XKALEIGH57X
Rate: 8
I’m kind of in love with your story at the moment. It’s a solid, fresh idea overall, but I still have a few things I want to talk about. Some include suggestions mainly based off of some questioning thoughts I had while reading.
One of the main controversies I had with myself was over the pace of the story. The pace felt kind of nice, but reading all thirty chapters at once kind of skewed my thoughts on whether is was a good pace or too fast. I always have to scold myself about not reading too fast, but I really couldn’t help it because I just got sucked into your story. Anyway, some stuff just seemed to go by so fast. There were a few important, quick deaths that have any time after for reflection. I get that in this kind of world, it might be impossible to have that time to mourn, but I just feel like there should have been a little more than “Oh, look, this person is dead now… Okay, moving on.” There was also the fast consistency of Parson being taken and transferred from place to place. The first month at Jared’s place with Louis seemed okay, but after that it was just a lot of quick action over what seemed to be a short period of time but was actually a bit longer. Again, maybe it’s just because I read through it almost all at once, but at the same time, I might consider adding more scenes and doing less time skips.
Another thing that I really questioned was everyone’s attitude toward Parson. Parson is definitely beautiful, but every single person she comes across in this world seem to go mad, their minds driven on the sole thought of her existence almost. Every single person. What makes Parson so special? How has she alone managed broken down the tough interiors of some of the most intimidating men in the world? Many of the men say that they are infatuated with her and can’t get enough of her, but with a lot of them, the explanations for why aren’t clear. Some have said it’s because of her beauty; however, looks may say a lot but they don’t amount to everything. Is it because of her personality, or the way she acts? I have trouble with this question, which leads me to my next point.
Parson is a pretty confusing character. In the beginning, it seems as though she’s just an innocent in this world with the ability to protect herself to very little extents. As the story goes on, we do learn that she is well capable of holding her own when the creepy men that spied on her relay some of the things they saw her do. She starts off as that captive who takes any open chance to escape, but then, she just kind of succumbs to the world. Between her seemingly bipolar actions and mixed feelings about the men she comes across, her whole character is pretty hard to figure out. A main character should never be hard to figure out. Often, you want to try to make the main character relatable. I can see how that might be hard because I doubt that anyone reading it will ever have to face a world like the one you’ve created. Still, there are some things I could see myself doing if I were in Parson’s situation and almost none of those things are things that Parson has done. I would want to develop Parson’s character more to get a better sense of who she truly was before this mess she’s in, and who she is now because of it.
I just have a few other questionable things I wanted to talk about, but they’re mostly about the laws in the story’s setting. Yes, slavery is legal, but what are the conditions? Is murder not a crime punishable by death anymore? Is there not a law enforcement system to regulate such crimes? How exactly are these men/women so successful then? They own large, well known plantations kept up by slaves, and most are notorious for being ruthless murderers. Does the law not apply to them, or does the law simply let them do whatever they want because they don’t care? Or is the country just run on gangs like Al Capone ran Chicago? What about the President? Does his position exist anymore? This sort of information was just unclear in setting, so I might try and develop the overall scene a bit more. Try to explain why things got to the way they were more than just the removal of the 13th amendment, because I doubt that the removal of this one law alone make all other laws negligible.
I think that’s about everything. I really did love the story overall, and of course, I hit subscribe. Most of the stuff above is probably just me. You said you wanted more pointers, so I hope this is what you were aiming for. It’s probably a bit confusing, but that’s because my mind went kind of all over the place. I don’t really know how to fix it because that’s just how my mind works. You can definitely let me know if you have any questions on anything I said, and I’ll try to make more sense of something for you.
If you find your review to be disappointing, I cannot honestly tell you that I’m sorry. Do not let what I say in any way discourage you from writing or anything for that matter. I am just one person with strongly opinionated views on everything. If I made it clear that I strongly dislike your story, do not think that other people won’t enjoy it. There are many other readers with different views than me who will find interest in your story where I may not have. I hope you do take something out of this and improve on and continue your writing, but if you don’t, that’s fine too.
Author: XKALEIGH57X
Rate: 8
I’m kind of in love with your story at the moment. It’s a solid, fresh idea overall, but I still have a few things I want to talk about. Some include suggestions mainly based off of some questioning thoughts I had while reading.
One of the main controversies I had with myself was over the pace of the story. The pace felt kind of nice, but reading all thirty chapters at once kind of skewed my thoughts on whether is was a good pace or too fast. I always have to scold myself about not reading too fast, but I really couldn’t help it because I just got sucked into your story. Anyway, some stuff just seemed to go by so fast. There were a few important, quick deaths that have any time after for reflection. I get that in this kind of world, it might be impossible to have that time to mourn, but I just feel like there should have been a little more than “Oh, look, this person is dead now… Okay, moving on.” There was also the fast consistency of Parson being taken and transferred from place to place. The first month at Jared’s place with Louis seemed okay, but after that it was just a lot of quick action over what seemed to be a short period of time but was actually a bit longer. Again, maybe it’s just because I read through it almost all at once, but at the same time, I might consider adding more scenes and doing less time skips.
Another thing that I really questioned was everyone’s attitude toward Parson. Parson is definitely beautiful, but every single person she comes across in this world seem to go mad, their minds driven on the sole thought of her existence almost. Every single person. What makes Parson so special? How has she alone managed broken down the tough interiors of some of the most intimidating men in the world? Many of the men say that they are infatuated with her and can’t get enough of her, but with a lot of them, the explanations for why aren’t clear. Some have said it’s because of her beauty; however, looks may say a lot but they don’t amount to everything. Is it because of her personality, or the way she acts? I have trouble with this question, which leads me to my next point.
Parson is a pretty confusing character. In the beginning, it seems as though she’s just an innocent in this world with the ability to protect herself to very little extents. As the story goes on, we do learn that she is well capable of holding her own when the creepy men that spied on her relay some of the things they saw her do. She starts off as that captive who takes any open chance to escape, but then, she just kind of succumbs to the world. Between her seemingly bipolar actions and mixed feelings about the men she comes across, her whole character is pretty hard to figure out. A main character should never be hard to figure out. Often, you want to try to make the main character relatable. I can see how that might be hard because I doubt that anyone reading it will ever have to face a world like the one you’ve created. Still, there are some things I could see myself doing if I were in Parson’s situation and almost none of those things are things that Parson has done. I would want to develop Parson’s character more to get a better sense of who she truly was before this mess she’s in, and who she is now because of it.
I just have a few other questionable things I wanted to talk about, but they’re mostly about the laws in the story’s setting. Yes, slavery is legal, but what are the conditions? Is murder not a crime punishable by death anymore? Is there not a law enforcement system to regulate such crimes? How exactly are these men/women so successful then? They own large, well known plantations kept up by slaves, and most are notorious for being ruthless murderers. Does the law not apply to them, or does the law simply let them do whatever they want because they don’t care? Or is the country just run on gangs like Al Capone ran Chicago? What about the President? Does his position exist anymore? This sort of information was just unclear in setting, so I might try and develop the overall scene a bit more. Try to explain why things got to the way they were more than just the removal of the 13th amendment, because I doubt that the removal of this one law alone make all other laws negligible.
I think that’s about everything. I really did love the story overall, and of course, I hit subscribe. Most of the stuff above is probably just me. You said you wanted more pointers, so I hope this is what you were aiming for. It’s probably a bit confusing, but that’s because my mind went kind of all over the place. I don’t really know how to fix it because that’s just how my mind works. You can definitely let me know if you have any questions on anything I said, and I’ll try to make more sense of something for you.
If you find your review to be disappointing, I cannot honestly tell you that I’m sorry. Do not let what I say in any way discourage you from writing or anything for that matter. I am just one person with strongly opinionated views on everything. If I made it clear that I strongly dislike your story, do not think that other people won’t enjoy it. There are many other readers with different views than me who will find interest in your story where I may not have. I hope you do take something out of this and improve on and continue your writing, but if you don’t, that’s fine too.
Notes
Waiting List
- An Unexpected Turn by MelissaStylesInStyle
- Never Cry Wolf by r a i n d r o p s
@That_clifford_girl
Hi! I don't normally do this but I'm just gonna get right on it.
It's in my knowledge that this author isn't coming back. Which means your review isn't coming. But! I recently started up a review store so if you're interested you can link your story there.
All you have to do is click my name and follow the form. :-)
12/31/16