Note: I changed the format of reviews up slightly. The first part of the review is the actual review of overall plot, story flow, pace, etc. followed by further recommendation/last comments for the story. I figure that's as much as most people looking for good reads want to read in the review, so after that is a continued part just for grammar. That part is mainly for the author, but obviously anyone can read it. I'm not sure if I'll be consistent with this section, but I'm a bit of grammar Nazi most of the time and would like to help authors out in that area when I see things that are simple fixes or of major importance.

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Black
Author: starship
Rate: 8

First of all, love the banner. Kudos the the person that made it. It really fits the mood and tone of the story.

So the story is only about four chapters in. All that has happened so far is a set up for the story by including the background and character development. Because it is so early in the story, the exact plot is pretty unclear other than it being a story about guy whose life gets turned around and torn into two directions by two girls. That makes the whole review kind of eh because nothing super significant has happened yet to judge off of. However, from what I’ve read, I can actually say I’m looking forward to see where this is going.

That’s pretty much it. Again, there isn’t much to go off of yet. I have hit subscribe, though, and I would totally recommend this to anyone looking for a good read. Looking forward to some updates :)


Grammar
You’re definitely a good speller, so the story is still easy to follow. However, you did have quite a few run-ons and need a little help with dialogue. They should be easy fixes though.

For run-on sentences, your biggest problem is that you excessively use commas everywhere. Many of the ones you wrote can be fixed real quick by just adding the word “and” to separate two thoughts of make them lists.

Ex. 1: His head feels fuzzy, his eyes are heavy, clearly the aftermath of drinking.
↳ His head feels fuzzy, and his eyes are heavy, clearly the aftermath of drinking.

Ex. 2: His house is quite in the outskirts, the roads are deserted, street lamps on either side but the light is blocked by the huge trees.
↳ His house is quite in the outskirts, the roads are deserted, and there are street lamps on either side but the light is blocked by the huge trees.

OR you can simply break up the thoughts completely by putting a period and starting a new sentence.

Ex. 3: Louis manages to drive successfully half of the drive, it's not until the suburbs begin that Louis starts to see double things; four hands, two steering wheels, he doesn't care at first but when it starts to get out of hand, he starts to panic.
↳ Louis manages to drive successfully for half of the drive. It's not until the suburbs begin that Louis starts to see double things -- four hands, two steering wheels. He doesn't care at first, but when it starts to get out of hand, he starts to panic.

The above example shows what is probably the best way to overcome writing run-ons. Every time you feel like the sentence should continue with a comma in addition, just add a period and continue the thought in a new sentence.

With dialogue, there is just one key concept your writing missing. Where in the run-ons you have too many commas and not enough periods, in dialogue, you actually put periods where commas should go. It’s just a basic fundamental concept for writing dialogue.

Ex. 4: "Take this." Carter says, his eyes are bleak, dull.
↳ "Take this," Carter says, his eyes are bleak, dull.

Ex. 5: "No, I'm fine with this." Louis says as he picks up a can of beer.
↳ "No, I'm fine with this," Louis says as he picks up a can of beer.

In some cases, it is okay to just end the dialogue, but most of the time dialogue is followed by “he says” or “he declines.” Those are the phrases where you definitely need to end the last sentence with a comma before closing it off with a quotation mark. Also, if the last bit before the quote ends is a question and the quote is followed by something like “he asks,” the follow up part isn’t capitalized.

These were the main two errors I saw. Other errors I caught included misuse of semicolons and changing of tenses. You want to make sure to write completely in one tense (past or present). Like I said, these are easy fixes, and either way, the story was still really easy to follow.

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If you find your review to be disappointing, I cannot honestly tell you that I’m sorry. Do not let what I say in any way discourage you from writing or anything for that matter. I am just one person with strongly opinionated views on everything. If I made it clear that I strongly dislike your story, do not think that other people won’t enjoy it. There are many other readers with different views than me who will find interest in your story where I may not have. I hope you do take something out of this and improve on and continue your writing, but if you don’t, that’s fine too.

Notes

Reviewed this first thing, as promised. This is your only story, so I hope this is the one you wanted me to review otherwise I'll be confused. Terribly sorry if you didn't actually want this. But if it is, please bear with me if this is terrible or not at all what you were looking for in a review. It's been a long while.

Working on Sinister World next followed by An Unexpected Turn xx