State Of Grace
Prologue
As funny as it was, the only thing that ran through my mind at this very moment. Was lyrics. I know of all things it would be lyrics. I guess it was true when people say where words fail, music speaks. It couldn't be anymore true as it was right now.
Taylor Swift's All Too Well seemed to fit this situation, how ironic. The lyrics: and maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much, but maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up. Was stuck on repeat in my head.
I guess 8 months seemed pretty insignificant to him. Asshole, he could go fuck himself for all I care. Trying not to care was harder than caring at all. Here we were though, we had run our course. It was done. We were done, over. I hated that once I got out of the car and left. I had to act like he didn't make an impact on my life. That right there would be a lie, a huge lie to be more accurate. Cause to me those 8 months seemed like everything to me. And I thought it meant the same to him, until he threw it all back in my face. Leaving a slight indefinable ache in my chest. The closest way to describe it, is when you dry swallow a pill.
I had a vague sensation that my nails were digging in deep against my palm. I couldn't even talk to him, look at him, or even listen to what he had to say. What could one say after they ruined everything.
"Audrey." His low quiet voice seemed to float right over my head. I kept my stare out the passenger window. He said he wanted to go for a drive. Apparently his definition of "drive" was sitting in a deserted parking lot. He gave a sigh, his fingers drumming nonstop on the steering wheel. The noise filling the silence, what I really wanted to shout was: "Stop!" Biting my tongue I kept quietm I knew what would come next. Him asking his usual rhetorical question.
"Do you mind?" He asked knowing I wouldn't respond, let alone give a shit. It was his life, if he wanted to waste it away sucking on those cancers sticks. Go for it. A second later I felt the cold London air hit the right side of my face. The breeze blowing some hair in my face. Automatically and probably part subconciously, he lifted his hand that wasn't holding the cigarette. Moving it to the side of my face, to push back the hair.
Finally I cracked. "Don't." The one word holding multiple meanings.
"Ah, got you to talk." Zayn said lightly trying to lighten the mood. I spared him a slight glance. Before looking straight ahead. The noise now was his slight intake as he took a long drag. Tilting his head slightly to blow the smoke out the open window. "Want to know what I thought when I first saw you."
"No." I said biting my lip, hating myself for ever speaking to him. Taking a deep breath I crossed my arms firmly in front of me.
"Bitch." He spoke suddenly, for a moment I thought he was insulting me. He had some nerve. I spun my head in his direction so fast, I swore it cracked slightly. Zayn was already looking at me, I narrowed my eyes at him.
"Asshole." I hissed back.
He smirked slightly giving a slight jerk of his head. My eyes moved down to his hand that was holding the fag. Watching as he flicked it slighlty. Some of the embers floating back in and falling against his leather jacket.
"No," He paused taking another drag. "That's what I first thought." I scoffed loudly, unable to come up with some snide remark. "What, no sarcastic remark?" Yeah he knew me too well.
"You're not worth it." I mange to say back.
"Ouch." He said giving a slight laugh, even though nothing was funny right now. "I was before."
"Empahasis on before Zayn." I said back, turning to look at him, he met my gaze for a brief second. Before averting his gaze down to his scuffed up boots.
"Do you want me to say sorry?"
"If you're having to ask me, then I think you just answered your own question." I sighed out.
"Sorry."
I rolled my eyes, shaking my head slighlty. Frustration was building up inside me. "Don't say something you don't mean."
"How do you know?" The question seemed to hang between us. I took my time, choosing my words carefully. Knowing I wasn't planning on repeating it once it was out in the open.
"You." I stopped myself, unable to finish this carefully worded speech. My throat tightened slightly, which could only mean one thing. Any second now I would start crying. I had to get out of here.
"I?" He pressed gently, finally finishing his cigarette and rolled the window up. Suddenly the silence seemed to multiply. No distracting noise from the outisde. Just us two.
"Never mind." I muttered picking at my nails.
"I hate when you do that." I didn't say anything back so he continued. "Shut me ou like that."
"It's whatever." I muttered flippantly, my hand edging towards the door handle. It was time to leave.
"Please don't." Obviously he saw where this was going.
"It's no big deal, I've walked away before." Except this time I wasn't planning on coming back.
"But you've come back." I hated how he sounded so confident. How he just assumed this was just another fight between us. How I would just come running back into his arms.
"Maybe that was a mistake, this whole thing." I added quietly, he stayed silent for a moment.
"You know it wasn't-"
"I should go." I abruptly said loudly. Feeling like I was being suffocated.
"What?" He asked even though he heard me perfectly well.
"Yeah, I should." I said more to myself and threw open the door, The cold air hitting me in the face.
"Wait." Without even looking I knew he was scrambling to open his door too.
"Just stop, alright." I said standing back and turning to look at him. "So this is it."
"I didn't mean-"
"I know," I forced a smile. "It's fine, it's casual. I think this whole time I was with you, it felt like something totally out of this world. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's the truth. I only have 4 more months here, and then I'll be heading back to the states. You, well I guess you're leaving even sooner. After all you're Zayn Malik, and I highly doubt you'll be back before I leave. I kind of think though it's better this way. So I guess the word that would suffice is, bye." Cause really where is the "good" part in goodbye.
"Audrey." Now he was getting pissed.
"Say hi to Emma for me, won't you?" The past part was uncalled for sure. But I was hurting. A lot. In the back of my mind I knew he deserved it, but at the same time part of me was wanting to rush back in the car. Instead though I slammed the door shut, walking away from the Bentley.
Knowing that no amout of time could fully erase Zayn from my life. It really was one in a million chance that we literally ran into each other. So yes, it was easy to say he was pretty much unforgettable.