Chapter 23: Let it Out

I stalled around the bus for about an hour, not really sure what do with myself. I did all the things I possibly could to keep my mind off of sitting down with Harry later, so I wouldn’t drive myself absolutely crazy.

Lacey left about thirty minutes after her break down to begin preparing the wardrobe for the boys. Before she left, she was telling me it was going to be a big day for the boys. Apparently they were doing some more recording for their next album in the morning, then a few extra stylists were going to be brought in to help get them ready with new clothes, and then they had several appearances to make.

When Lola finally stumbled out of bed I was sitting on the couch in the living area of the bus, just sort of dinking around on my phone. There were a few others eating breakfast at the table. Again, Lola seemed a bit softer than her usual self towards me. It was a side of her I wasn’t really used to, but I quite enjoyed for the time being.

She plopped onto the couch beside me, “Good morning Maddie. How are you doing?” she yawned, but still sounded interested and concerned.

I didn’t turn to face her right away, trying not to show her with my face that I didn’t really want to think about anything that related to Harry until I absolutely had to. “Well… I’ve decided to talk to him.”

Out of the corner of my eye I saw her face scrunch up a bit, “Are you being serious? After what he did to you? I wouldn’t ever want to even see him again if I was you.”

I nodded my head slowly, not wanting to insult her, because I really liked the caring side of Lola, “Yeah… that was my first thought, but then a bunch of things sort of just happened between the concert and now.”
“Really? Like what?” she asked.

“Umm… well first I went for a walk thing morning and chatted with Liam. He told me that Harry seemed really upset or something last night, but wouldn’t talk about it. Then my parents called all upset over the situation with the fans and me. My mom encouraged me to have a chat with him to just sort of get to the bottom of everything, maybe find some closure. Lastly, Lacey was all upset over thinking it was all her fault at the concert last night.”

Lola’s eyebrows shot upwards, “Her fault?”

I nodded my head, “Yeah, I know. She thought she put that sort of idea of doing something “drastic” in order to get people to leave me alone.”

Her face fell into a frown, “Wow… umm… really? Do you believe that?”

“Well, I don’t blame her. She was just trying to be a good friend. I am not even sure if that actually was the reason he did that. I suppose that’s another reason for me to talk with Harry. I guess I just don’t understand why he wouldn’t come and at least explain that to me. He had to have known I was going to be in the audience, and how much that would hurt me.”

Lola looked at the ground. She seemed even more off than usual. Then she spoke, “Maddie, I think I messed up as well. Harry… well… he did… come to talk to you… last night after the show. I just… didn’t let him. You were so hurt, I didn’t think it was a good idea.”

It would be a lie to say I wasn’t shocked by her statement. He did want to talk to me? Maybe Lacey actually was right then. What was with people though? Why did they keep taking the blame for everything that happened? I composed myself the best I could, “It was probably for the best. I most likely would have bit his head off last night.”

Lola cracked a smile, which seemed to come in rarity, “I think you still should!”

I laughed a bit under my breath as well, “We’ll see first. I think I need to let him give his side of everything.”

Her smile was already faded, “I suppose you should. When are you going to talk with him? I don’t think they will be on site at all today until rehearsal and then the show.”

“I guess after the show. Lacey is going to set up a meeting for us. I just hate all this waiting around. It makes me think too much, which then makes me worry.”

Lola stood up matter-of-factly, “Well no better way to forget your problems than to throw yourself into your work. Let’s get going.” She grabbed my arm, yanked me off the couch, and led me out the door.

For the rest of the day Lola didn’t let my mind drift to anything other than the tasks at hand. She kept me extremely busy folding shirts, counting inventory, and rushing all around the stadium running errands for her. It felt like was literally the only worker she had, which I knew very well was not true.

I couldn’t complain though, it was all for my own good. She knew, and even I knew, that if I didn’t keep myself busy that I would psych myself out about talking to Harry. I definitely didn’t need that. I just needed to get the talk over with so I could get some answers out of him.

Soon, fans were lining up in front of our booth. I noticed not as many pointing and whispering in my direction. I thought to myself, “Maybe that drama would at least blow over soon.” I found myself a tiny bit calmed about that.

When the mad rush of the crowd was through Lola, I, and the few others in our crew took our usual spots to watch the concert. As hard as I tried to keep my focus off of Harry, it was impossible. His vocals, along with the other boys, were incredible, but something just seemed off about him. He was usually this huge entertainer, but he definitely wasn’t interacting with the crowd as much as usual. I could only wonder if I was the root of it. Also, if that was true, was it good or bad? Maybe he was worried about what to say? Or maybe he didn’t really want to talk at all, and Liam was just trying to make me feel better earlier.

When the song, “Little Things,” was announced by Liam I cringed at the thought of the last show. I couldn’t take it if something like that happened again. To my relief, they sang it normally while sitting on the stairs to their main stage. The only difference I noticed was that during Harry’s solo he seemed to be looking out to the crowd, but didn’t really look connected to any of them, more like he was searching for something, but couldn’t find it. His eyes looked squinted and his eyebrows he slanted upwards. Also, he did a bit of a lyric switch up by singing, “You still have to squeeze into your jeans, AND you’re perfect to me.” I thought that seemed really sweet and genuine. He made it so hard to dislike him, because he was always so sweet and caring.

The rest of the concert passed in a blur. I didn’t even realize it was about over until the screams of the fans hit an all new high and Lola tapped my shoulder to signal to me that we needed to get ready for round two.

We walked back out the tunnel towards our booth, and I could hear the boys finishing up, “What Makes You Beautiful.” There was a thunder of footsteps about to be headed out our way. I walked around one of our tables when Lola suddenly grabbed my arm.

“Maddie, I think we can handle this.”

I looked at her confused, “Ummm… are you sure? Aren’t we usually swamped after the show?”

“Well, yeah… but it’s nothing we can’t manage. You should go now.”

I shook my head in protest, “No, Lola. I can stay, I can wait till after…”

She began to wag her finger in my face, “No! Go now. I wouldn’t normally do this Maddie, so you should think of it as a bit of a special offer.”

I nodded my head slowly before turning to begin weaving through the new hoards of fans arriving outside the arena.

After already have taken a few steps I heard Lola’s voice, “Good luck.”
This was it. I was about to talk to Harry, the guy who had stolen, broken, and yet still kept my heart.

I walked as slowly as I could towards the backstage door. I had both wanted and dreaded this moment to come all day, it just didn’t seem like it should have been time that quickly. I grabbed my crew pass from around my neck and showed it to the big guard before entering the door.

Everyone was already rushing around so quickly to tear down the stage. I wandered around trying to find the dressing rooms. When I finally found the correct one I knocked, but there was no answer. So, I knocked again. Nothing.

I turned around not sure what to do. I thought, “Maybe I should just forget about it for the night, regroup. Rethink about what I want to say.”

Then a loud voice came beaming from across the loads of crew members. It was none other than Louis. “Maddie! Looking for someone?”

I didn’t respond until we were standing in front of one another, I wasn’t feeling too outgoing in that moment. “Yeah. I guess you probably know I am supposed to talk to Harry.”

He smiled a big toothy smile, “I surely do! I believe he is waiting for you at our bus? I was told to keep away for a while, so I assume he wanted a bit more privacy!”

Louis’s personality was so bubbly it was hard to feel awkward around him, even when he said things such as that. “Oh.” I sort of half smiled. “I’ll just go meet him there then.”

“Right, very good!” he stated.

I nodded my head to him and turned on my heel before he spoke one last sentence, “Maddie, just promise me you’ll listen to everything he says…”

I turned back to give him an odd sort of look, but still said, “Okay… I-- ah, promise.”

I followed by path backwards back out the stage door and towards the buses. This was really it. It was going to happen for sure.

The bus wasn’t parked too far away. I started towards it. As I got closer I could make out a figure in the shape of a person leaning with one leg up against it and their arms folded over their chest. It was a rather familiar sight, and I knew that it had to be Harry.

I got closer and his eyes instantly were in a deadlock with mine. I approached him, but stopped before getting too close.

He looked deeply upset, like there was a lot on his mind. I could tell there were some fairly dark bags under eyes and he looked a bit on the paler side. Although his face was depressing, he was dressed in a black t-shirt and torn up skinny jeans, which always made him look so godly, but I still forced myself maintain my somber face.

His husky voice spoke softly and seriously, “Mads… thank you so much… for doing this for me.” I gave a short half smile as he opened the door to the bus. He motioned for me to climb aboard, “We will have a bit more privacy in here I reckon.”

I got on the bus first, walked over, and gracefully lowered myself to one end of the couch, while Harry quietly closed the door and sat on the opposite end. I remember that the last time we had a talk in this very bus, it didn’t end very well. I shook my head in grief not wanting the same thing to happen as before, because if it did, that would definitely be the very end.

Pulling me back from my thoughts I snapped my head towards Harry as he began to speak, even slower than usual. “Mads…I have a lot to say… So please… just hear me out… Okay?”

I nodded my head for him to continue. His green eyes held mine, “So… when I broke things off… I truly felt at the time it was the best for you… I know my fans, and when they aren’t given any more information to talk about something it eventually will just sort of fizzle out… That is what I hoped would happen with the horrid things they were saying about you. I thought… that after an interview or so of me saying I was single would do the trick, but… I soon learned… that I was going to have to do something drastic.”

Not keeping my promise at all, I already cut him off, “Was that because of Lacey?”

His face scrunched up into confusion. “What?”

I shook my head while looking to the floor, “I don’t know. She thought she may have put some sort of idea in your head about having to do something big to make people shut-up about us.”

He stared blankly for a moment before shaking his curly head, “Jesus, no. How could she think it was her fault? No… Mads… I was about to get to that part about the concert. Just know that was all my idea and Lacey had nothing to do with it. She had just pointed out that I was being a jack-ass by leaving you all lonely when you needed somebody the most. Don’t be upset with her.”

“I’m not.” I stated matter-of-factly, waiting for him to continue.

There was another brief pause while he tried to remember where he was. “Okay… so I figured in order to really try to fix this… I was going to need to convince the fans. So that was when I came up with the terrible idea for that song.”

My eyes began to tear up remembering how awful it felt to watch him do that to me. “How could you do that?”

Harry scooted closer to me on the couch in attempt to comfort me and began to wrap his arms around me, but I pushed him away. He didn’t back away and instead just brushed his hands through his hair. “Mads… please… don’t cry. I know that… that was a terrible thing to do. I realized right after… how stupid it was.

A single tear escaped my from my eye as I softly spoke, “Didn’t you think about how that would feel to me? It was probably...” I closed my eyes tight as a few more tears began to fall, “…THE most hurtful thing you could have done… shoving it in my face like that.”
He shook his head in protest, but didn’t try to comfort me physically this time. “I know… I know. I thought about that. I hated myself for doing it right after… I tried to find you after the show. I wanted to speak with you then… but... Lola… she told me something like you didn’t want to see me ever again... you hated me…and you were thinking about going home.”

Realizing that I had in fact told Lola all of those things in the moment made me suddenly feel guilty placing all of the blame on him… it all seemed to be extremely rough on him as well. “I suppose I may have said something… along those lines at the time… but you have no idea how awful it felt.”

His green orbs met mine, “I do though Mads. I felt completely gutted when Lola told me how you were me how upset you were. I was already upset with my actions, but after trying to find you… I was heartbroken all over again because I thought… You may never speak to me again.”

I lowered my eyes to my lap, “I didn’t think I would to be honest, but then I talked to Lacey, my mom, and even Lola… they all sort of changed my mind I guess.”

A smirk spread across his face for only a split second, “Well, I am sure glad they did…”

I met his eyes once again, “Well… what now then?”

His face grew tense as his jaw appeared to lock up. His eyebrows made a crease in his forehead and he looked like he was debating something in his head. He looked a bit like I noticed on stage, not like himself at all. Very upset and sad.”

I shot a worried expression, “Harry, is there… something else?”

He nodded his head slightly, and my heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. The words got caught in my throat a bit causing me to sort of cough out, “What is it?”

His raspy voice was very low and quiet, like he was telling me a secret. “Mads… I was really upset after trying to find you and talking to Lola. I felt like shit and Lola only confirmed that I in fact was. So… I sort of just started to walk around I suppose.”

My eyebrows shot up not really sure what to expect, I was more worried about his well-being at that point. “Harry, you know that is really dangerous, having nobody with you like that. You should have at least had a body guard or something!”

He shook he head, “I wasn’t really thinking or caring at that point…but it led me to a pub. I ended up getting completely trashed and made a few choices that I am not exactly proud of.” He took a slight pause to examine my face.

My thoughts rushed to the worst possibilities. I was sure he probably wound up in some slut’s bed or something. My eyes started to well up with tears once again. My hands flew to my face to wipe them away before Harry could notice again.

It was too late. He attempted to scoot right up beside me, but I turned away. “Mads… please. No. Stop. I need to finish this… I need to tell you everything so you know.” I kept my hands over my face and, and nodded for him to continue. “So yeah… I got wasted. It’s not something I usually do… and I don’t remember a whole lot. Just a lot of girls… well sort of were dancing all over me. I just let them touch me and do whatever… I was too depressed to even care. I don’t know. Maybe I was just looking to feel better… Well anyways… this blonde one… she just pulled me aside and began slurring a whole bunch of nonsense at me, all the while being all over me. I swear on my life though Mads… I didn’t touch her. I sort of realized the actuality of the whole situation when the lads called my name. They had come to look for me.” He paused again to study my face.

I probably looked a bit lost. It was a lot to take in. “…I hate the fact that you just let a bunch of girls do that to you. You’re so much better than that…. You didn’t touch any of them at all? Not a kiss? Nothing?”

“No Mads! I promise. I still…well I really care for you.”

I shook my head trying to get the story completely straight. “Well…umm… do you think that if the boys wouldn’t have found you, you would have done something with that girl?”

I could tell he was trying to plan out his answer carefully, there was something a tad endearing about him caring enough not to want to mess this up. His eyes locked on mine. I suddenly felt his seriousness and hurt. “Honestly… I have no idea what would have happened… but if it did, I would absolutely hate myself for it. I can’t stand how much I have hurt you already. It would have been enough to send me over the edge to know I did something that horrific.”

I nodded my head. It hurt to think that something might have happened, but I was completely relieved to know it didn’t happen. “Harry… I don’t know what to really say.” Straggling tears were still falling down my face.

He threw an arm around my back, and I let him this time. I found his warm touch comforting. “Mads… you don’t really have to say anything just yet. I need to say I am terribly sorry… for everything. I never wanted to hurt you. I care about you so, so much. I honestly thought it would be for the best… On the bright side, I think that the fans have settled a little bit…” we both giggled a bit at that, “I just don’t want you to hate me. I need you in my life. I have been so gutted the past few days that I can’t even think straight when I am performing, and I just can’t take it. I- I lo- ugh… I guess I need you to say something… please.”

I trusted him and I trusted his words. The truth was I had really been missing him too, and I was tired of feeling like shit. I just wanted him back. I snuggled a little more into his arm before bringing my close fairly close to his and whispering, “I forgive you.”

The biggest and most adorable smile spread across his face. His dimples were on full display. Then suddenly it began to fade and his eyes were filled with something I hadn’t seen all night, desire. He took one last hard look at me before slowly and gently closing his eyes. He began moving his face closer for a kiss. I instantly realized how much I had been longing for this too.

Our lips met and a tingle shot through my entire body. I hadn’t noticed until then how much I really missed his amazing kisses. His lips worked hungrily against mine as though they had been craving this for a long time. He brought his hands up to my face and began caressing my cheeks back into my hair with his fingertips. I loved the feel of his warm palms against my skin. I shifted towards him with one leg facing him on the couch and my arms placed firmly around his waist. After a few minutes the kisses slowed and became more intense, causing me to moan softly into his mouth with such affection. He must have found some sort of joy out of making me do that because I heard a quiet rough chuckle escape from his lips in between kisses.

Suddenly his lips pulled away from me. His eyes were positively glowing and he shot me a brief devilish grin. His hands flew from my face and grabbed tightly to my thigh, causing a delightful sensation down my leg. With his strong arm he rather roughly yanked my leg from underneath me, pulling me to a laying down position atop the couch. Harry then crawled over me slowly, being sure not to take his eyes off of mine, practically teasing me. His hands crept to either side of my face before he lowered his head and body to meet mine. Both of our eyes closed as our lips and tongues became embraced once again.

His body felt so warm on top of mine, I could feel the beads of sweat rolling off of me. He reached his arms from the sides of my face up to the top of my head and tousled the loose ends of my hair. I wrapped my arms securely around his torso and started to massage with my hands up and down his back. He must have enjoyed this because he sounded raspy groans every so often. Something about kissing him and being intimate with him felt so right.

His kissing felt like paradise. I was so focused on the sweet sensation of Harry biting my bottom lip and brushing his hands through my hair, I hadn’t even realized that my fingertips had found the hem of his shirt. I slipped my hands under his shirt and caressed his spine with my pointer finger. He let out another soft moan against my lips before pecking my cheek and moving down to my neck. He began the repeated cycle of biting, sucking, and kissing along spots on my neck. My eyes closed even tighter as my whole body shivered with pleasure.

This went on for a while and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could take. So I grabbed his face and guided it back to my lips which were already missing his. My hands reached through his luscious curls as we pecked only a few more times. Harry pulled his head away somewhat and gave me a small and sweet smile, to which I returned, and then rolled slightly to my side and laid his head down into the crook of my neck.

He deeply inhaled and sighed, “You smell so wonderful Mads.”

I giggled as I began to caress his back again over top of his shirt. “Do I? That’s surprising!”

He chuckled as well before falling serious again. “Thank you so much Mads for this… I wasn’t sure how you would take all of it, but I definitely didn’t suspect this. You are an even more amazing woman than I thought.”

I turned my face towards him, who was still snuggled into my shoulder and neck. I looked into his bright eyes, “How so?”

He spoke quietly, “You are the most understanding and forgiving person I think I have ever met. Any average girl probably wouldn’t have even let me give the whole story before walking out on me. You are just… much unexpected… completely extraordinary.”

I smiled and leaned over for a peck on his soft lips. “Of course I needed to speak with you. Give you the chance to give your side of the story… ya know. Yeah I was hurt and had to go through a sort of process, but I don’t think I could ever just… shut you out. I wouldn’t ever want that.”

He smirked, “I would never want that either.” He closed his eyes and gently nuzzled his face deeper into the crook of my neck. There was something extremely endearing about his vulnerability that night.

The bus was silent for a few moments before I asked, “Where is everybody?”

Harry mumbled, “I suppose we will be heading out soon enough, so they will probably be in any minute now.”

I nodded my head slightly and left another brief pause. “So… umm… what now Harry?”

He picked his head up from its resting position, “What do you mean?”

“Well… with like…us?”

He started to sit back up and I followed suit. He put his arm around me and I leaned into his side, resting my head on his shoulder this time. His t-shirt felt so soft against my cheek. His voice sounded gruff, “Mads, you know how much I care about you. I can feel how much you care about me. You say it all in your kisses.” He was such a romantic. “…but people are just now beginning to draw back on the awful things they said about you.”

I picked my head up off his shoulder slightly. “I know.”

His eyebrows creased in the middle, “So… do you want to maybe try this again… this secret relationship? This time really stick to it?”

My head froze for a bit. The majority of me was ecstatic to have him back again, but there was a small piece of me that just wanted to pull the band-aid off and tell the world that we were together, especially since everything just felt too perfect with him. I shrugged that small feeling out of my head because I knew it was most likely for the best for now and gave him a convincing smile. “I’d love to.”

Notes

Aww... isn't that sweet??

Perhaps the longest chapter of my life! ...but here it is! I hope you liked it!

It's not even close to being over, but I really need your feed back to continue writing this story. I am debating whether I want to go back and beef it up a bit more with more detail and such, or if I want to keep going because I still have so much planned for this.

Let me know your thoughts PLEASE!

Thanks all you have stuck with the story, love you!
-Jen