A cold breeze connected with my face; bring me back to the present. I wasn’t at home, in bed, cuddled up to Harry. Instead I was at Lucas’s grave. I hadn’t been able to sleep and I don’t know why but I had this strong urge… Desire to come visit Lucas’s grave. The thing I’ve been trying to avoid thinking about since his funeral.

But I soon gave into my desire which was why I was staring at his headstone, wrapped up in a puffer jacket. I still had my pajamas underneath simply because I couldn’t be bothered changing. It is two in the morning after all. You can’t blame me for not wanting to get changed. It wasn’t like I was going to spend the rest of the night here. I only wanted to see what his gravestone was like. What the graveyard was like...

I wanted to talk to him.

“So I have no idea how to start this but… It’s me Kim… God this is so weird. I just… You said you’d never leave me Lucas. You fucking promised that you would stop with the drugs and that we’d grow old together. You promised me and now you’re gone and you’ve fucking left me here to pick up the pieces of my broken heart. The heart you broke and now….” I trailed off, my voice cracking every now and again. This was a lot harder than I thought it’d be.

“I miss you. I miss you so fucking much Lucas. It’s not even funny. I constantly have this dull ache in my chest and I… I just miss your face. Your laugh. I miss you.” I whispered the last part. I could feel the tears trying to fight their way through but I pushed them away. I was not going to cry.

“And while your death has pretty much killed me. One good thing came out of it… I have Harry back in my life. And god he’s so. He’s so caring and he gets these little frown lines on his forehead when he’s thinking too hard and god he’s just… He’s beautiful and I honestly thought I’d never see him again. But he’s here. Well not here. He’s back home sleeping in my bed and he’s just… He makes me feel happier, ya know? I know it hasn’t been long since you’ve died but… he’d helping and…” I trailed off again, not sure if I want to say the next thing out loud.

My blue eyes scanned the darkness around me. I had to check to make sure no one else was around. This conversation was between me and Lucas… Well me and Lucas’s grave really.

“And I’m fucking scared. I’m scared of how I’ll end up feeling for him. I mean… We’re already in a relationship and while it’s great. I can’t help but worry that he’ll end up leaving me again in the end. That he’ll get sick of me or remember why he stopped talking to me but kept in touch with you. I terrified of falling for him and him leaving me in the dust like I meant nothing. I can’t get hurt again Lucas. If Harry revives me and then kills me again…. There’ll be no bringing me back to life. I’ll be as good as dead and I just… I can’t deal with that. Well I mean I won’t be able to deal with it. I can barely drag myself out of bed each morning as it is because I think ‘Lucas isn’t here. I wont see Lucas today’ or I don’t know, something along those lines… I’m scared Lucas and I wish that you were still fucking here so I didn’t have to go through this. So I could just stay happily in love with you. And maybe that’s selfish of me to think or feel but I don’t care…. I just want things to be simple again y’know?”

Pursing my lips, I stood there just staring at Lucas’s headstone. I hadn’t noticed that I was crying until now. I knew deep down that this was good for me. I was getting everything out. I was talking about my feelings even if it was to Lucas’s grave. It’s better than nothing right?

Letting out a long, tired sigh, I ran a hand through my hair. “I should probably get going. Harry might wake up and freak out if I’m not there. But I just… I want you to know that I’ll always love you Lucas. I’ll never stop loving your stupid fucking ass. And maybe it’s too soon but I need to start moving on because you aren’t coming back and I can’t keep going on like this. I can’t keep feeling like this. But yeah… I just wanted to say it out loud, that no matter what you’ll always have a piece of my heart baby.”

Whipping the tears from my cheeks with the back of my hand, I stared at Lucas’s headstone for a few more seconds, before I turned and started the walk back home. I did feel better. I could feel the ache in my chest start to fade a smidgen. But it didn’t help the guilt. It didn’t help that I still thought Lucas’s death was my fault. It didn’t help that I felt guilty for being in a relationship with Lucas’s best friend not that long after his death. But I knew with time, I’d be okay. I had to be okay eventually.

I just had to.

Notes

So I've finally finished my exams so hopefully I'll be able to update more. Especially since I'm thinking the chapters will be a bit shorter because I've already started planning the sequel. Is that bad? But yeah I just want the story to get moving more and stuff. So the chapters will hopefully be a little shorter and more frequent. But yeah...

I hope you liked the chapter c: