A few days later





I'm learning to accept things that I have no control over.






Having a sick mother and no one around to help is especially hard but Melissa chose to walk away and I can't change her mind. I couldn't make her stay and I've accepted that. I've accepted the idea that Sean could possibly be right about Harry. I needed to get over him. The teeniest thought of him was physically draining. With that said, I made it my personal mission to get over him at all cost. No matter what it took.





Sean was throwing a party and I thought of going. He and I aren't exactly on speaking terms after I sort of went off on him the other night and threw him out but whatevs. He can't stay mad at me for long. I had just got home from work when I realized that I should go. It was a Friday night. I missed going out and enjoying life. Seems like all I ever did was sit in the house and torture myself with thoughts of Harry and his new happy life. I'd only go out if I had work, mum needed medicine or if we needed food or something. I've heard that Sean throws the absolute best parties. Of course, I've never been to any because that's not really my thing. Although, as I look back, the past few months have been nothing but partying but that's beside the point. The point is that I never really understood why people party until now.





As I looked around his house and shared drunken conversations with these strangers I learned that most of them weren't happy. Sure, they were laughing, dancing and smiling but it was just a temporary happiness. It would be all gone when you're all alone and those dark, haunting thoughts creep back into your mind. I don't know why I ever judged these people.





I understand now.




I pushed through groups of sweaty busy-bodies. Empty alcohol bottles cluttered his mum's living room floor. The lights were so dim. I don't know how people could get around.




Harry would never have liked me at a party like this, especially knowing that Sean was the host.





There I go again. Thinking about him.





Buzz.




Speak of the devil.





Harry's name lit up the screen of my phone. I couldn't breathe. I wanted so very badly to answer his call. I thought maybe if I did he'd tell me he had made a mistake and that he wanted me as much as I wanted him and we could fix everything and I could be happy again. But I saved myself the disappointment and pressed the ignore button.





I continued pushing through people but a bit more urgent now. I had to step over people who were scattered across the floor, I squeezed through couples bumping and grinding to the infectious music until I found what used to be Sean's kitchen. It was completely trashed. Sort of like my life. Everything wasn't well put together like it used to be. It was a mess. Broken glass, lighters, joints, cigarette buds. I went through his refrigerator to see nothing but bottles of alcohol. I don't think this party would be ending any time soon. I swiped a bottle of vodka and drank it straight from the bottle. I found a secluded corner and made it mine.




My phone buzzed again but this time it was a text from Harry begging me to answer his call.





I wanted to but I was afraid of feeling what I feel right now. Let down. Before any tears could even begin to form, I took several long swigs of the clear liquid. The burning in my throat brought unexpected satisfying feeling. I heard several masculine voices headed my way but I couldn't get up in time.





"Charlotte?" Sean spoke, eyes wide.





His friends looked at me and went the other direction. Some were wearing grimacing smirks. Probably because I looked like a joke.





"Hey!" I jumped up from my spot on the kitchen floor and I tugged my skirt down a few inches. "I didn't mean to, you know, show up uninvited. I wanted you to know that you were right. I need to get over Harry." Tears were now brimming my eyes and my voice was becoming shaky and weak. "I-I want to get over him."





His glowering stare seemed to almost mock mine. I don't think he believed me so I had to prove it to him.





"He called me today and I lost it." I felt myself losing it as I spoke."Sean, you have to help me. Help me forget."





Following that, without any warning he leaned forward to kiss me. He was sloppy and eager, but surprisingly it didn't turn me off. Instead, it made me feel wanted. However, what did turn me off was that I could taste whatever he was smoking on his breath. Despite that, I didn't stop him because he actually wanted me and he filled my void.





I could feel my phone vibrate in my hand. Assuming it was Harry, I kissed Sean harder in hopes that it would push Harry from my mind. Sean pulled away abruptly, prying my phone from my hands and throwing it against the wall. My jaw dropped. I my phone scattered into pieces and before I could get a proper reaction out he kissed me again and then assured me he'd get me a new one that way Harry could leave me alone.





"Let's go upstairs," I suggested.





A smile adorned the features of his face as he led me to his bedroom. My body was tense and I almost changed my mind about the whole thing, but he reassured me that I wasn't making a mistake as he kissed down my jawline and nibbled lightly on my ear.





I've always denied Sean the ability to be intimate. I just don't think I wanted to let him in. This particular night, I let him in and afterwards, I felt so dirty.





He had barely looked at me once he's had his way with me. He just threw his pants back on and returned to his party. I didn't hear a peep from him after that.





My mind had suddenly became a swirling whirlwind as I sat on the edge of Sean's bed naked. When I found the strength to stand, I collected my clothes from the floor, held them tightly against my bare chest and sunk to the floor. Heated tears were trickling down my face as I abandoned the bottle that I claimed about an hour ago. I clenched my eyes shut and I drowned my misery.




Whatever chance that Harry and I may have had was now gone. He wouldn't want me after this. Quite frankly, I wouldn't want to be with me either.

Notes

Sorry for being late with the update like always but life is a struggle sometimes.