You're Still The One

Nov 12,

Lately, I’ve been spending a lot of time with Sean and I’ve been enjoying it. I’m not quite sure what this means but I do know what it doesn’t (but I’ll save all that for another journal entry).

When I’m with him, all my problems, all my worries and anxiety just melt away . And for that, I love him.

But at the end of the day, Harry still bogarts most of my thoughts and feelings.

It’s safe to say that I’m still a mess but I’m improving. I am a working progress.

As for Sean,




“Hey there, pretty lady,” Sean teased taking a seat across from me at a secluded booth near the back of the diner. Immediately, I jammed my pen into the bindings of the book and tried to hide it.




I smiled casually.




“You’re late, mate. I got off work over an hour ago,” I teased back.




“Sorry about that babe.”



The word itself ‘babe’ was a bit much. It stunned me and made me extremely awkward and uncomfortable. Although, our relationship feels like it did before the breakup that doesn’t mean I’ll ever go back to him.




I could tell that his little slip of words sort of made him uncomfortable too as he shifted in his seat stiffly but a simple change in subject shook all the awkwardness.




“What’s that?” His auburn eyes were plastered to my journal that concealed my private thoughts and feelings. Once he’d noticed, I clutched the book tightly to my chest and did everything in my power to make sure it remained in my possession. Somehow, that wasn’t nearly as good an idea as I thought. Forgetting how much stronger than me he was, he managed to get the journal anyway.




And just like that, he held all my secrets in his hands.




“Give it back!” I shouted.




I emerged from my seat to get it, unintentionally causing a scene.




“Is this some kinda diary?”




He cracked open to a random page that was full of heated words. I could tell by the bold worlds and capitalization. I’m not sure what he was reading because many of my entries are written according to how I’m feeling and more times than others, I’m angry. I studied his face as his eyes followed the trail of words written across the page. His look changed from playful and energetic to anger.




He read the journal for a good thirty seconds before returning the journal. I think it’s safe to say that he was traumatized by whatever he just read.




“Let’s get you home.”




His spirited attitude had suddenly been wiped away. Unsure of what was read, the guilt pelted at me. I followed him out of the diner and to his car. The cool air breezed right through the little pieces of clothing I wore. My tired and aching body struggled to keep up with his fast paced steps.




“How would you like to learn to drive?” He spoke with a random smile.




His hasty change in mood was beyond my imagination. I couldn’t understand how he had changed that drastically but I didn’t ponder it too long. I’m just happy he isn’t pissed at me.




“Seriously?! That would be amazing!”




He tossed his keys over to me. I stared at the small piece of cool metal in my hand. Then, shifted my attention back to Sean. He wore a smile so wide, I could barely contain one myself.




“You’re seriously going to let me drive your car?” I laughed.



His car was BEE – YOU – TEE – FULL. I admired each and every stunning detail about this car. The headlights shone just as bright as the blazing sun did, which was beaming off the hood and into the supple, leather interior. Then, looking down, I could see my reflection in the shiny, metallic rims; each surrounded by rugged, gravel-encrusted tires. I’m not much of a car person but when I first saw his car, I fell in love. I didn’t even trust myself to drive it, if I’m being honest. It’s far too perfect.




“Are you insane?”




“Just a wee bit,” he replied.




He had clearly lost his mind.



“You want me to drive it now?” I asked somewhat in disbelief still.




He nodded climbing into the passenger’s side of the car. My heart immediately began to race. I got into the driver’s seat and I started panicking almost instantly.




“What do I do? How do I turn it on? What am I supposed to do?!”




Sean laughed hysterically.




“First, put the key in the ignition.” His hand helped guide me to the first step. “Then, you start the car.” He scolded me inbetween directions. “And please, whatever you do, do not crash my baby.”




I rolled my eyes.




Men and their precious cars.




His words unknowingly added more pressure. But at the same time, I was curious to how he got such a nice car so fast because he didn’t have a job. And if I remember correctly, he drove a shit can the last time I saw him.




I pulled the safety belt across my chest, adjusted both the mirror and the seat so I was comfortable because as of right now, I’m the captain of this ship.




When everything was in order, I was ready for take off.



(Wait, that isn’t right. Ships don’t take off…Right? Whatever.)




I put my foot on the gas a bit too hard as the vehicle went shooting forward. I was just lucky to not have rammed into the car in front of me.




“Careful,” Sean advised. I glanced over at him. He looked a bit queasy. I don’t think he was even breathing. I gave him the “I’m a bad bitch” smirk and pulled out of the parking stall with ease.




Once I was calm, everything else was easy.




As I drove, I felt Sean’s smoldering stare. I think he was impressed that I was such a natural. I pulled up to my house and unlocked the door to climb out.




“I can’t park. I won’t even try.”




“You’re incredible, Charlotte.”




Not being called Charlie was another wake up call that sort of gave me chills. My name is Charlotte, yes but Charlie is the girl Harry sees when he looks at me and that’s the girl I want to be. Fuck this Charlotte person he speaks of.




Sean had a certain glow in his eyes when he said that I was incredible and I had the strangest feeling he wasn’t talking about my driving. His hand softly brushed at my cheek. I could feel the warmth rising from within and I wasn’t too sure what that meant. Then, his eyes closed slowly and he started leaning in. I’m not sure why, but I was too.



It wasn’t until our lips met that I realized what the fuck was happening. What was I even doing?! Seriously?



The strange thing about it all was that, even as I sat there physically present with Sean, emotionally, I was with Harry. In my mind, Harry was in front of me and he was the one I was kissing. Don’t judge me. I know how sick that sounds but it’s the truth.




I pulled away from Sean and wiped away the remains of the kiss and ran inside without saying a word to Sean. That was sort of a petty thing to do and a little bitchy, I know that, but I’m clearly confused. I deserved this time alone.




The house was dark except for the glow coming from the television in Mum’s room. She always left the TV on even when she was sound asleep. I sat there alone in the dark for a few minutes until I heard something crash into the floor.




I immediately jolted for the stairs and found my way to Mum’s room at the same time I heard someone enter the front door but I couldn’t worry about that now. My mum had all my attention.



I flipped on the light switch and I assumed the broken glass on the floor must have been the loud crash. Mum was out of bed and looking like she was about to fall. My hand was at her back as I attempted to help guide her back to bed. She swung her balled fist at me, refusing my help.




“Leave me alone Melly.”




The world had basically stopped for me. My mum had never lifted a single finger to harm me before and it wasn’t until now that I realized how far gone my mother really was. It was the worst feeling in the world. I wanted cry, but I didn’t know how to. I swear, I’ve cried so much these past weeks that I couldn’t produce any more tears.




“Mummy, I’m Charlie.”




“I know who you are! Get out! Leave me alone!”




She broke away from me and I didn’t know how to react. Sean must’ve heard all the yelling and screaming and decided to come upstairs to help. He swept up the broken pieces of glass and he disposed of them in the bin in the corner of her room. No matter how much she demanded that I leave, I didn’t until she was sound asleep.




I followed Sean back downstairs.




“She’s never acted this way before,” I said quietly.




Finally, after bragging about how I couldn’t cry, my eyes filled to the brim with tears but I blinked them away.




“I guess you’re dealing with a lot…” I looked over at him as his voice deepened. He truly looked sorry for me. “With you’re mum being sick and you know, your… break up,” he sort of tip-toed around the word but eventually spat it out.




I just stared at him. I thought I had a pretty good idea where he was going with his statement…




“When I kissed you, you ran because of Harry.”




Yep, I knew it.




“Sean, I’m not going there with you.”




“Am I wrong?”




“Please, just stop.”




“I could help you forget about your problems. You said so yourself in that book. Let me help you… but in a different way.” He pulled out a bottle of pill tablets and placed them on the table. “Just take two or three of these and—”




“SEAN, JUST STOP!!”




Just as I was trying to yell at him, he kissed me again. For the second time tonight.




“What the fuck?!” I said, once I broke free. “That’s your problem. You don’t know when to stop!” I wiped away the remnants of his kiss for the second time. “And is that why you’re so bloody crazy because you take these?” I asked lifting the drugs from the table. “I can’t believe this is your idea of making me feel better.”




“You need to get over Harry. He’s moved on.”




His voice was bold and prominent and his words echoed through my quiet house.




“He left you for another girl and you’re still hung up on him. What is wrong with you?”




My blood was pulsing.




“Get. Out.”



He gave me a taunting glare before carrying out my wish that he left and I slammed the door behind him.




He was wrong. Harry loved me. I know he did because he protected me from monsters, he made me feel things that I’ve never felt for any other human being and he felt the same. I know he did…I—I think he did. Maybe. Possibly. Maybe he didn’t. I’m not too sure of anything these days.

Notes

So I'm thinking the next chapter will be from Harry's POV. What do you think?