Nov 5,

I’ve never kept a journal before. This girl I work with suggested that I keep one, that way I can keep track of my thoughts and feelings and see how things progress. It’s complete bullshit, if you ask me. But, at the same time I need to get these feelings out before I implode.

That’s something new I haven’t mentioned. I found a job. It’s a pretty shitty job but it’s better than nothing. I serve adult men burgers and beer as I prance around in a tiny skirt and crop top as they usually watch football games and try to get sexual favors from the women that work there. I hate the absolute shit out of what I do but I’ve tried every other job but there was no one more willing to hire me than a thirsty man who can’t pull any women himself. A man called Jay also known as my boss.

I don’t think anyone really likes working there to be honest. My theory is that Jay hired the most distraught and desperate girls on the planet to work here because no one wants to work there.

There’s one and only one person I’m doing this for. I’m doing this for Mum.

When I first came back, Mum was doing great. I was re-teaching her to walk again and we were actually making progress but it all changed when her medicine ran low. Now she’s back in the condition she was in when I arrived, if not worse.

Sometimes, Melissa’s words replay over in my mind and sometimes I even think she’s right. I’m not cut out for this. I remember everything she said to me that night about me being a bitch and that Harry






I dropped the pen and slammed the book closed and threw it across the room.





My mum’s health isn’t the only thing that’s smoldering me. Harry still weighs heavy on my mind. After everything that has happened I think of him as if nothing has ever happened and I despise myself for that. I’m not sure why he pushed me away so easily or so suddenly. Did I make it that easy for him? But anyway, all I do know is that I wanted him. I still want him. If there were any doubts in his mind, I wanted to reassure him that everything would be alright.





I flicked on the television and instantly flipped through channels quickly before hearing ‘One Direction’. It probably wasn’t the best thing to retract to that station but I was curious. Was it a coincidence that I was thinking about him and that he was being mentioned on TV? No, it isn’t because I’m always thinking of him and he’s always being talked about.





“—The love life of Harry Styles. Stay with us, we’ll be right back.” The woman announced as we were brought to advertisements. I couldn’t believe that I was actually going to watch this. I looked away for a moment, across the room into an empty corner. I inhaled deeply through my nose and looked back at the television. A cheeky kitty litter ad was on. I found myself cheesing at the quirky kitten for just a second and it wasn’t long before the show was back on and seriousness began to play again.




They waited awhile to talk about Harry or any of the boys for that matter. I think they were purposely not showing what I wanted to hear to force me to watch their entire showcase. I quickly scurried off to the kitchen, the clock read that I had about twenty minutes before I had to leave for work, so that should be enough time, right? (Wrong.)




“One Direction’s Harry Styles dating ex-girlfriend Nikki Hayes again – sorry Charlie.” The woman’s choice of words was like daggers. Was she mocking me?




Heat had risen inside of me for a quick moment and then quickly faded into disappointment. I was so tempted to finally turn the channel, but actually doing so proved to be more difficult than I thought.





“The pair was reportedly spotted chatting in front of a venue outside of London.”




An endless stream of photos from that day began to play on my television screen, but the tears filling my eyes momentarily blinded me. My stomach twisted and I looked down, not sure what I could do to escape this. I loved him. Deeply. But he didn’t. At least that’s what I sensed. I wondered if he would ever know how often I stayed awake at night crying and trying to figure out how to help him understand my pain. None of the options kept me from telling him my real emotions: my love for him. So I backed out. Not that he cared to know or that it would change anything.





After getting all worked up like I usually do. I realized that I was late for work. So, I had no choice but to stop torturing myself.





Shit.





Now I’d have to deal with Jay’s complaining and his threatening to fire me. Quickly, I ran up to my room. Hurriedly, threw on my work uniform and combed my hair into a cute ponytail. A little black pencil skirt and a matching crop top that had some clever phrase about buns written across my boobs was what I had to wear.




Do not judge me.



I went to kiss my sickly mother goodbye and I began my dreadful journey to work.




It was cold and dark. It was unusually quiet except for the heavy breathing I heard from behind me. My legs pumped harder to get me there in less time. My heart almost beat out of my chest when I heard the heavy steps behind me quicken with mine. I was too afraid to turn around to see who was following me.




Then, I felt a soft grab at my shoulder.



“Er, excuse me.” The very manly yet familiar voice said. I stopped and turned around. The first recognizable feature on him would be those fiery auburn eyes. It was Sean.




“Charlie?” he said with raised brows. I watched his eyes travel down every curve of my body. I’d rather this be some creepy stranger than being some creepy ex-boyfriend. He looked away from me once he realized that it was really me.




“You dropped this.” He handed me the stack of notes that I made the other night at the resturant. Our hands awkwardly brushed against each other as he placed the money in my hands.




“Thanks.”




“You shouldn’t walk around at night, wearing that…something bad could happen to you. Let me give you a ride.”



He not once looked at me as he spoke and I don’t remember Sean ever being so… so sweet. This was bad because I was considering something really bad…

Notes

I truly apologize for the wait. I've been trying to balance work and I am now a college girl so that's new and I'm just getting the hang of things. Sorry, again. This was a bit rushed but I still hope you enjoyed it. Let me know what you think! x Keep in touch - ask.fm/ariiistyles