Two months elapsed

Nothing is as it used to be anymore. I’ve seen my face on more magazines and blogs than I can count. More people know my name than what I’m comfortable with. More or less, they know about my relationships past, present and they're predicting my future. It's all a bit weird. No, it's freaking insane. Everyone thinks they know so much about me because of what they've seen or read from the press and what frightens me is how close to the truth these accusations are.





The new attention that I’ve suddenly been receiving is digging an even bigger wedge between Harry and me. It gets even more awkward. The boys come home today. It’s just a matter of minutes before he walks through that door and I'm faced with whatever's been going on between us.




I paced around in the kitchen for a bit, before finding something to clean or fix. I wanted everything to be perfect. My anxiety wouldn’t allow me to sit and be calm.





While in the midst of cleaning and sorting the refrigerator, something that I’ve done a million times before, I hear the door open and footsteps inside.





He’s here.




My feet carry me to where I hear his steps and there he is. He looked so perfect, I almost wanted to cry. Without delay, I leaped into Harry’s arms. His strong arms wrapped around my middle as if expected. Our arms still wrapped around each other but I slightly pulled back just to glance into his eyes for re-confirmation that this was real. That he was really standing here and that I wasn't just imagining it so.The way he squeezed me when he hugged me made me feel like everything was all right but when I tried to kiss him, he pulled away instantly like my kiss was poisonous.





I completely removed myself from his presence. I had to run away. It was embarrassing and I was too overwhelmed with bent up emotion. I’ve kept it inside so long I was afraid that it would all just come pouring out at once and would be completely out of control. I rushed to the first room I was closest to, closed the door and locked it and tears immediately began formation and started striding down my cheeks.




All I wanted to know was what was happening with us? What happened on that tour and why did it have to change everything? Things were going so good.





Minutes passed and eventually the unexpected crying stopped but I wasn’t leaving the room any time soon; maybe not ever. Forget using the bathroom, a change of clothes, and food? You can just forget about that.





Moments later, I heard Harry calling my name.





“Open the door, Charlie.” I could hear the door knob jiggle as I assume he was trying to open it from the outside. I put my back up against the frame of the door and slumped to the floor. I covered my mouth as I felt like it was needed to keep him from hearing my sobs.





“I need to talk to you.”




I remained still and silent.





“Charlie, I’m sorry.”





“Did I do something wrong?” My voice was strained. My jaw clenched to keep from crying anymore but it didn’t work as I felt them forming from deep within. I’ve wrecked my brain trying to figure out where I went wrong, what I could have possibly done to make him not want me or maybe something I didn't do that he wanted me to do.





“You didn’t do anything wrong. Just open the door. I want to see you.”




I twisted the lock on the door and turned the knob. He rushed inside the room and held me to his chest. He wiped the remnants of tears from my face no matter how much they continued to fall. I could feel his heart thumping wildly in his chest.




“Did you find someone better than me, someone nicer or prettier?” I managed to say through muffled sobs.





He stared at me lovingly, like he used to before things got weird and I almost wanted to hit him. I don’t know if he’s messing with me but if so, it isn’t funny. I need to know why he’s driving me to the point of insanity because that's what it feels like.





“No. There’s no one else. Don’t be ridiculous.”





“Am I being ridiculous? I don’t know what’s going on with you. You’ve been gone for three months and you’ve called all but three times and one of those times I rang you because I didn’t think you ever would.” He was staring at me like I’ve completely lost it and maybe I had but I know one thing’s for sure, “you didn’t even want to kiss me.” A tear managed to trickle its way down my cheek no matter how strong I tried to be. His thumb rubbed my cheek and the space under my eyes. He was glaring at my lips. He actually wanted to kiss me, I could feel it.





“What’s going on Harry?”




It was just like one of those awkward phone conversations, where only I was putting in effort to keep the conversation going and I'm growing sick of it.





“Harry!” His body jolted in shock to my loud tone but it got him focused. His voice seemed to have gotten a few octaves deeper when he spoke to me this time.





“I just want to be your friend. I don't think I want this, anymore.” His eyebrows were drawn upward and the little lines in his forehead were present. He looked so regretful and he even seemed like he was doubting his decision. I'm trusting in my heart that he's lying.





I closed my eyes and more fiercely pressed my lips against his with intent on seeing for myself where his heart is and he kissed me back. He was just as romantically involved in this embrace as I was, but he tried to cover it up by jerking back. My entire world came to a screeching hole. His words were like daggers piercing at my heart.





My entire body spaced out. I mean, it went absolutely, completely numb. I don’t even know if I’ve even heard him correctly or if he's even really rejected me but I didn’t want to ask for confirmation because it hurt bad enough the first time. I didn’t want to hear it again. He couldn’t even look at me after saying it. I saw the hurt and the guilt in his eyes but I didn’t get it.




“Why are you doing this?” I cried




His eyes were wet, and his hand lay over his mouth before he stepped out of the room, leaving me alone.




He loves me. I know he does because when we talked, I could literally feel it. He made me feel like no other has before. But if he loves me, there still leaves one question; why? Why is he doing this?




No physical pain could be compared to this. I’ve never felt more broken. It stung so badly. I couldn’t move and I had to take in deep heaves of breath just to make sure that I was still alive. Still breathing.




He walked back into the room. The whites of his eyes were now a fiery red and when he spoke his voice was much deeper and a bit raspy, it sounded like he had been crying too. So, whatever may be going on between us, I do know it’s affecting him too.




“Will you take me home?”





“You don’t have to leave.”




His words brought me no wisp of relief. They only upset me more. Now he was being selfish. I couldn't just stick around and be his friend not after all this. If he no longer wanted to be with me, then he should respect the fact that I deserved my space.




“I want you to stay.”




“And be roommates? No thanks.”




I didn’t mean to sound as harsh as it came out, but it’s what I was feeling at the moment. His lips trembled slightly as a red tint shadowed over his face. And with that, a fresh stream of salty tears emerged. No matter how much he tried to keep them at bay, they refused. His face, the once blank canvas, broke—first into shock, then recognition then finally pure elation. I think this is where he finally realized that he’s giving up on us. The evidence of his new discovery had moved him and was apparent as the droplets fell.




My vision blurred, tears filling the brim and threatening to depart.




I wanted to hold him, but I realized he was no longer mine to hold.

Notes

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