Dare To Love

Chapter 6

Carmen’s POV

It comes and goes. Some days are alright and the pain isn’t as bad, other days (like today) I feel like I could wrap myself up in a ball and stay in bed forever. It’s been a little over three months since my mom passed away and I –

“Hey Carm!” Hannah banged on the bathroom door. “I’m goin’ to the store real quick you want somethin’?”

“No, no I’m fine!” I yelled back. She had scared me at first.

“Alrighty!” With that I heard the front door open then close.

I stood there and looked at my reflection in the mirror. I had tearstains down my cheeks and my eyes were red and puffy. I cry myself to sleep every night. Then, if I’m lucky, I wake up the next morning sort of refreshed. That is until the next night when I cry myself to sleep again. I turned on the water and splashed some on my face. It was cold because, according to Ms. Paige, “it’s just those damn pipes”. Please, the water has been this way for weeks. Sometimes it’s cold, sometimes it’s hot, and sometimes we don’t have any water at all. I reached over for my towel to dry my face. Last night I had a dream about my mom. I use to have them all the time but, I haven’t had one in a while and this one was getting to me. I need to get out of here. I need to go somewhere, I feel like if I stay inside all day I might just lose my mind. I put my hair up in my usual pony tail and walked out the bathroom into the kitchen. We haven’t seen any cockroaches in awhile, but I still check. In fact, around the same time we stopped seeing those ugly bugs, the water started messing up. If it’s not one damn thing I swear it’s ten others. I went in my room and almost started to get on the laptop but the damn thing is so old and slow it makes me not want to be on there. I laid down instead and looked up at the ceiling. I am so tired. Not the physical tired (well maybe), but the emotional tired too where all you have the strength to do is cry. It’s like the only thing I have energy for.
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I settled on coming to visit my mom’s closest friend, Jackie. Miss Jackie is amazing. She let me and my mom come and stay with her when I was little, after my dad left and we got put out of our place. I haven’t seen her in awhile though. Actually, the last time I saw her was at my mom’s funeral. She’s not to blame though, I chose not to stay in contact with her, I don’t know why.

After just one ring of the doorbell the door opened wide. “Carmen? Oh my God, honey, come in here.” She grabbed me by the arm and pulled me inside the house. Guess she’s missed me.Truth is, I’ve kind of missed her too.

The house still looked the same, and smelled the same. Miss Jackie’s house always smelt like peppermint and cigarettes, even when I was a little girl. Miss Jackie’s never been married and doesn’t have any kids but, she’s always treated me as if I was her own.

She pulled me in for a hug. “How are you doing sweetheart? ¿Estás bien? Is everything ok?”

I chose to lie. “Yeah I’m fine, everything is fine.” Even though Miss Jackie treats me as if I’m her own child, I could never look at her that way. It’s nothing personal, like I said, she’s amazing, she just isn’t my mom. “I just stopped by to see how you were doing.”

“Well I’m doing just fine.” She walked me over to the couch and we both took a seat. “I was just sitting here watchin’ my stories.”

“Stories” is what her and my mother would call the soap operas they would watch. “Yeah, I remember when you and my mom would watch them together.”

She didn’t say anything, just nodded. Miss Jackie and my mom were really close, like sisters almost. So when my mom died, she took it pretty hard too.

“So…umm…what else you –” I began to ask her.

“Carmen, I’m really glad you came by here because I have something I need to give you. Something I should have given to you a long time ago.” She stood up and started to walk to me and my mom’s old room.

“What is it?” I asked.

She came back holding a little brown wooden box in her hands. She sat down and opened up the box, some papers fell out on the floor so I bent down to get them and handed them back to her. “Here you go.”

She took the papers in her hand. “Thank you dear.” She then grabbed a sealed envelope from inside the box and handed it to me. “This is for you.”

I took the envelope from her. “What’s this?” She didn’t say anything so I looked at the envelope again, it said To Carmen on it in my mother’s hand writing. “What is this?”

“It’s a letter your mother wrote you about a month before she passed. I think she knew she wasn't going to make it.” She paused and took out a floral print handkerchief and wiped her eyes with it. “She really wanted to be around to see you in your cap n’ gown Carmen.”

I looked back at the envelope and checked to see if it was really my mom’s hand writing, not that I didn’t believe Miss Jackie. Her story made sense. My mother died May 25th, the night of me and Hannah’s prom. Our graduation was June 18th, two weeks after I buried my mother. What was supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life was probably the hardest. While other people were crying because they would miss their friends, I was crying because I missed my mom. And now it felt as if all those tears and emotions were rushing back to me.I couldn’t let Miss Jackie see me all upset, especially since she was all emotional herself.

“Carmen?” Miss Jackie placed one hand on my knee. “Are you –”

I didn’t wait for her to finish. “Yes. Yes I’m fine, I just…” I felt the tears begin to flood my eyes and tried to think of an excuse for me having to leave. “I have to go.” I stood up. “I just remembered I have some business to take care of.”

She stood up and grabbed my hand. “Honey are you sure you’re alright?”

“Yes, I’m fine!” I said louder than I should have and sounding not fine at all. “I really gotta’ go but I’ll read this later on.” I held up the letter then started walking towards the door. I opened the door and walked out.

“It was really good to see you Carmen.” She told me as I turned to face her. “Please come by and see me again.” She smiled and steps out to hug me one more time.

“Thank you.” I said right before I turn to leave.
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Dear Carmen,
Sweetheart I love you so much and I couldn’t be more proud of you. I want you to know this even after I am gone. We both know how limited my days are but that’s ok, it’s been a long battle, and I have no regrets. Not even when it comes to your father because without him I wouldn’t have you. I am so lucky God blessed me with a daughter like you Carmen. Do you remember when you were younger I use to write you little letters and put them in your lunch box for you to read at school? Well, this is the last letter I’ll ever be able to write you and I want to make this one to count. You’ve done so much over the past few years to take care of me and I want you to understand how much I appreciate it. You’ve grown up to be such a beautiful, strong, independent young woman. Carmen, baby girl I am so sorry I have to leave you here, like this...right now. When my time comes promise me you’ll stay strong. Baby please don’t let losing me stop you. I need for you to keep on going. Live your life. Go to school. Follow your dreams. Make a life for yourself. Take chances. Go new places and try new things. Believe in the unbelievable. I have faith that you will.
I love you so much,
Mama
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I looked up from the tear drop stained letter in my hands. I didn’t even realize I was crying until I finished reading the letter. After I left Miss Jackie’s place I walked to a nearby park to be alone. I was sitting on a bench and across from me there were these kids playing. They looked so damn happy. I want to know what that feels like. How do I get to that place? I heard their laughter and yearned for their serenity. The sharp, pungent pain in my chest grew bigger and my body was as stiff as a board. She’s gone, my mother is dead and gone. Where do I go from here? What am I suppose to do? Last week I checked my mom’s bank account to see how much money was inside.While I was there the bank teller told me that there were two accounts under my mom’s name. The first account only had a couple hundred but the second had over $50,000 in it.Why didn’t she tell me? I never told her about having money problems because I didn’t want her to worry but damn, whether she knew or not, you’d think $50,000 would be something she’d mention. Did she not know?Of course she knew. Where the hell did she even get it? $50,000 is a lot of money. I still haven’t told Hannah though, that wouldn’t be smart. I don’t plan on telling anyone. It’ll just be my little secret. I can use that money to take care of all the business I need to. Like getting a car…or even move away. Last night I got on the internet and looked up how much a flight to London would be. Lately it’s been like every day I find a new reason to want to pack my shit and get the hell out of LA. There is nothing out here for me, nothing. So why am I staying? Why won’t I leave? What the hell is keeping me here? I’ve ask myself these questions often and today, I believe I’ve found my answer. Every single memory I have with my mother (the good and the not so good) is here. All I know is LA, all I know is this life and this world. I guess, if I were to leave, it would be like I’m leaving her too…and I’m not so sure I’m ready to do that.
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On the way back to the apartment I stopped by Subway to get a sandwich but it didn’t come to my mind to get Hannah anything until I was already blocks away. If I’m lucky, she’s already eaten or not home yet. If not, I’ll just have to give her half, which is fine too.

I walked up to the door of our building and Ms. Paige was standing outside with her hands folded by the bushes, like she was waiting for someone. “Hope you know the rents due on the 15th.” She said as I walked passed her.

I walked back to look at her. “Isn’t the rent always due on the 15th?” Why is she telling me this like it’s some kind of news?

“Yeah –”

“Then why wouldn’t I know that already?”

She unfolded her arms and placed them on her wide hips. “Look here.I just thought I should remind you.”

“Is that right? Well you know what? I don’t need you to remind me, understand?” I walked in the building and up the stairs before she could give me any response.

When I walked in Hannah was stretched out on the couch remote in hand. She said without looking back at me. “I’ve been watching Barney for the past 3 hours.” She started to sit up. “What the fuck am I doing with my life?” She sighed and I didn’t say anything.

I set my bag on the counter then walked in the kitchen to wash my hands. I noticed Hannah look over at me then strain her neck to try and see the plastic Subway bag on the counter.

“Is that Subway I see? Don’t hide it, divide it.” She started to walk over to the counter.

She pointed to the sandwich then looked at me. “Yes.” I told her.

She clapped her hands and wiggled in excitement. “Thank you.”

“Only half.”

“Fine.” She said. “Pass me those chips from in the cabinet.” She walked back over to the couch with her food to eat.

I grabbed the chips and my half of the sandwich and sat down with her. We need to talk. “Hey, you know I was thinking –”

“Damn it!” She cut me off.

“What?”

“There’s more air in this fucking bag then there is chips!”

“Alrighty then. What I was trying to say was –”

She cut me off again. “Why the hell do they think I wanna’ bag of air? Air is everywhere. Air is free.”

I snatched the chips away from her. “Could we move past the chips please?”

“You know I hate that.”

She’s been this way since I meet her. She hates not getting a full bag of chips, especially when she’s the one who paid for them. “Yeah, I know. Now, back to what I was trying to say. What do you think about –”

“I swear that kid asks too many damn questions.”She cut me off for the third time and I’ve had it.I reached for the T.V remote and turned the T.V off.

“Ah! Why did you do that?! I wanted to see if they were going to be able to save the baby bird.”

I stood up. “Hannah, I’m trying to ask you what you think about going to London!”

She just looked up at me for a minute. “For real?”

I sat back down. “Yes. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, I just have.” I took a bite out of my sandwich.

“You mean like…to live?”

“No. Not to live, I thought maybe just to get away for a while.”

She shrugged her shoulders then grabbed her sandwich. “You already know I wanna’ go.It’s up to you. Can we afford it?”

Oh yeah, we can afford it alright. “Yeah, I looked it up. It’ll only cost a –”

“Whoa, wait what? You’re serious?” Her eyes got big.

“Yeah, what you thought I was lying?”

“Well I wasn’t taking you seriously. You were so against it before. What changed?”

I shrugged. “I wasn’t ready then, but I think I am now.”

She looked at me and nodded her head. “I’m down if you’re down.”

I thought for a minute about what I would be doing. I need to do this. “I’ll go online and get our tickets now.” I stood up, threw me trash away, and then started walking to my room.

Hannah stood up and started jumping up and down. “Oh my God! I can’t believe we’re actually going to do this!” She sounded so excited and happy, just like the kids at the park.

“Me neither!Guess we can start packing soon though!”I smiled and tried my best to sound just as excited and happy as her and those kids at the park.

“Hey, one thing…how are we suppose to pack? We don’t own any luggage.”
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Notes