How to Move
This was my all-time low
This was my all-time low. I didn’t know how to get out and I didn’t know how to stay. It has been a little over a week since I saw Louis. It’s been a little over a week since I saw the only person who I have ever truly loved. It has been six months since I last hugged him, since I last kissed him. It was so long and all I could think was how horrible it must be. How utterly horrific it must be for him when he gets the news about me being dead. He would cry. I know he would. He would be angry, mostly with me because I told him not to come. He would be hurt. It pained my heart to think about his beautiful blue eyes red from crying. It pained me to think about the sorrow that would pass over his face when he realized I was dead. It might seem to you like I am being vain, like I take it for granted that he loved me. Still loves me. But that is not the case at all. I still love him. I will forever love him. His face, his smile, will be forever imprinted on my eyelids. It is what I dream about and what I crave to see when I wake up.
No I do not take his love for granted. In these past few months I have realized that what he and I had was something most people dream about. He was the love of my life and I threw it away because I was afraid of old mistakes. I know there was so many times where I should’ve just talked to him. I should’ve told him about my fears, about my plans. But I didn’t. I made the decisions for him. I thought I did what was best by leaving him. But as I look at the situation today, I can’t help but want to beat myself up for being stupid. If I had stayed with Louis I would’ve gotten help when Michael showed up. Now I’m not sure how to fix this.
It has been a week since Louis came to see me. I haven’t spoken to anyone since then, only Michael. He wasn’t too keen on me speaking to Lou, even though Louis was the one who came to see me. So this week he has been a little bit more violent than before. The night I came home from school and he had found out about Louis we had sex. I’m not going to lie to you guys, some of the times I have actually like having sex with him. Only when I imagined doing it all with Louis though. But that night was different from all the other nights. Usually he wasn’t very violent in the bedroom and while we were doing it, but that night he was. It started out like it usually does, me going down on him, and then he decided he wanted to do it doggy style. I didn’t say anything even though I didn’t like doing it that way. My head was placed towards the top of the bed and when he slammed into me, my head hit the wall every time. After five hard thrusts he pushed really hard one more time and I was knocked out.
From that day it had only gotten worse. We had sex a lot. Most times he knocked me out and left me lying there until I woke up. I never really knew what he did to me while I was out but I couldn’t really care. Two days ago I woke up with a massive pain in my stomach but made nothing by it, since I wasn’t supposed to leave the house anyway. A couple of times he has tied me to the bed, with my legs apart and my hands over my head, while completely naked. He was usually naked too and he fucked me while he tortured me, with a knife or something that hurt a lot. He enjoyed the feeling of seeing me cry out in pain as he did so. It turned him on.
I had to give him some credit though. Because he always had a plan. When he was cutting my body, making ugly scars all over, he never once touched my face. To an outsider I looked perfectly fine with clothes on. I didn’t have a single wound on my face and I knew he wanted it to be that way. It had to look good from the outside if someone were to knock on the door.
But back to today. Because how much do you really care about what has happened in the past week? None of this will ever affect you so why would you care? Why would a stranger care about someone like me? Someone who almost willingly stays in a relationship that is truly bad for her. Do not think that I am intentionally fishing for your sympathy. That has never gotten me very far. I always seem to hurt those who feel that feeling towards me, so I say this now to you. If you are here because you feel sympathy for me, leave. Not once have my story turned out well and what are the chances that it is now?
Someone had to bring in the money and since Michael had put me on house arrest he was the one out working. Four days a week he was working at a club down town and I was home alone. I didn’t complain, or well I pretended to, because I liked having alone time. I would mostly read books and write in my small notebook. He didn’t know this notebook existed so I could write anything in it. My thoughts were all over the place but mostly they focused on Louis. The way I remembered his smile when he looked at me. The way he hugged me from behind because he wanted to kiss my cheek. I missed him so much and had already written a small letter to him if anything would happen. Yvette had it, she didn’t know it though. I had hidden it in a book she borrowed from me the last time I was there. I had the feeling something was about to happen and I was right.
As I sat on the window seat in the kitchen I hugged the book against my chest as I looked longingly out the window. I was almost lying down because my stomach hurt too much if I sat up so when the person occupying my thoughts looked up towards the window he couldn’t see me. I inhaled sharply and felt the pain increase because of the sudden movement and hoped to some higher power that I had been dreaming that. I looked into the apartment and nothing seemed out of place. The chairs were in their regular spots around the table. My computer was lying in the corner of the kitchen, smashed to bit on the floor. I stared at that for a long time until I heard soft knocks on the door. My eyes shot up and I stared at it in disbelief. He just couldn’t be here. This wasn’t happening. He was supposed to be home, he was supposed to mourn me when I die a slow and painful death. Instead he came here, exposing himself to danger.
I hesitantly stood up and walked slowly towards the door. I kept on hugging the notebook to my chest as I looked through the peephole in the door. I took another painful sharp breath as I saw that it was actually him standing outside the door. I placed my hand on the handle and took a shaky breath. He knocked one more time and I heard him curse outside the door. His voice made me smile but I quickly remembered that this was nothing to be happy about. I unlocked the door and opened it slowly. When the door was all the way open he walked into the flat without a word and then into our bedroom. I looked after him confused before I followed him after closing the door.
“Louis.” I spoke as I saw him walk into the closet. He didn’t respond so I spoke up higher. “Louis!” His head snapped up and he walked over to me. He gently placed his hands on my arms and looked at me as if he was searching for something. “What are you doing here?” I spoke gently because I felt like he would run otherwise. He shook his head and looked into my eyes.
“I’m here to take you home.” He let go of my arms and turned around once more. He pulled out a suitcase from the closet and placed it on the bed. I panicked and looked out towards the door, fearing that Michael would be home early.
“Louis, you can’t. It’s not safe for you to be here. You need to leave. Now.” I spoke quickly and felt my heartbeat quicken. I was so afraid he was going to get hurt. To me it didn’t make sense at all as to why Louis was here.
“I don’t care. I’m taking you home.” He closed the suitcase and carried it out to the door. He turned around and looked at me with loving eyes. “Is there anything else you have to bring with you? Anything that’s important right now?” He looked at the notebook in my hands and then up at my eyes again. I shook my head and he ordered me to put shoes on. I looked down at the floor where my shoes were and felt tears form in my eyes. He was busy with grabbing a few pictures that were stored in a box that he didn’t notice me just standing there.
“Louis..?” He looked up at me and I began crying even more. He ran up to be and looked really concerned.
“Are you alright? What is it? Do you not want to go with me?” He started to panic and I almost laughed at his rant. I shook my head as more tears left my eyes.
“I can’t bend down.” I looked down on the floor and then up at me. “I can’t put my shoes on.” He didn’t say anything as he knelt down and picked up my shoes. He unlaced one and lifted my foot to place the shoe on it. He did the same with the other foot and then tied them loosely. I sighed when he stood up and looked at me.
“You have to have a jacket on.” I nodded and pointed to the closet behind him. He turned around and picked out my jacket. He turned to me and without speaking grabbed my notebook and placed it on the table next to me. He then helped me put the jacket on and gave me back my notebook. I once more hugged it close to me as he picked up the bags he had packet. He turned to me and smiled slightly. “Keys?” I shook my head and he sighed. “We’ll just leave the door unlocked then.” I nodded and followed him out the door. I looked back one more time before closing the door. I could feel the chaos coming. I still didn’t know how I felt about all of this because my mind was still in shock. So when we got into the car and Louis started to drive towards their flat. We both sat in silence for a really long time before I mustered up the courage to look at him.
My eyes scanned the side of his face. His beautiful features looked angelic in the afternoon sun. His blue orbs looked so focused and there was a deep frown that looked so permanent. He looked like he hadn’t shaved for a few days and there were bags underneath his eyes. His mouth was in a thin line as he looked onto the road with a fierce glare. I felt a tug in my heart as I realized he was so close I could touch him. I reached my hand out towards his face and as soon as my fingers touched his skin his face relaxed. He sighed and leaned into my touch and the action made me smile. I took a deep breath before speaking in a low voice as my hand rested on his cheek.
“Thank you.” The words were simple but so honest. I really wanted him to know how thankful I was to him. He was my entire world and he kept on saving me no matter what. He glanced at me with a small smile on his lips. He lifted his hand to grab the one I had resting on his cheek. He moved it to kiss my palm and then he laced our fingers together. It was such a small thing but it made my heart swoon. He kept his eyes on the road and spoke soft words.
“Nothings else matter beside the fact that I love you.” I didn’t know what to respond to that. Silent tears rolled down my cheeks as we drove the last bit in silence. He was truly an angel from heaven.
No I do not take his love for granted. In these past few months I have realized that what he and I had was something most people dream about. He was the love of my life and I threw it away because I was afraid of old mistakes. I know there was so many times where I should’ve just talked to him. I should’ve told him about my fears, about my plans. But I didn’t. I made the decisions for him. I thought I did what was best by leaving him. But as I look at the situation today, I can’t help but want to beat myself up for being stupid. If I had stayed with Louis I would’ve gotten help when Michael showed up. Now I’m not sure how to fix this.
It has been a week since Louis came to see me. I haven’t spoken to anyone since then, only Michael. He wasn’t too keen on me speaking to Lou, even though Louis was the one who came to see me. So this week he has been a little bit more violent than before. The night I came home from school and he had found out about Louis we had sex. I’m not going to lie to you guys, some of the times I have actually like having sex with him. Only when I imagined doing it all with Louis though. But that night was different from all the other nights. Usually he wasn’t very violent in the bedroom and while we were doing it, but that night he was. It started out like it usually does, me going down on him, and then he decided he wanted to do it doggy style. I didn’t say anything even though I didn’t like doing it that way. My head was placed towards the top of the bed and when he slammed into me, my head hit the wall every time. After five hard thrusts he pushed really hard one more time and I was knocked out.
From that day it had only gotten worse. We had sex a lot. Most times he knocked me out and left me lying there until I woke up. I never really knew what he did to me while I was out but I couldn’t really care. Two days ago I woke up with a massive pain in my stomach but made nothing by it, since I wasn’t supposed to leave the house anyway. A couple of times he has tied me to the bed, with my legs apart and my hands over my head, while completely naked. He was usually naked too and he fucked me while he tortured me, with a knife or something that hurt a lot. He enjoyed the feeling of seeing me cry out in pain as he did so. It turned him on.
I had to give him some credit though. Because he always had a plan. When he was cutting my body, making ugly scars all over, he never once touched my face. To an outsider I looked perfectly fine with clothes on. I didn’t have a single wound on my face and I knew he wanted it to be that way. It had to look good from the outside if someone were to knock on the door.
But back to today. Because how much do you really care about what has happened in the past week? None of this will ever affect you so why would you care? Why would a stranger care about someone like me? Someone who almost willingly stays in a relationship that is truly bad for her. Do not think that I am intentionally fishing for your sympathy. That has never gotten me very far. I always seem to hurt those who feel that feeling towards me, so I say this now to you. If you are here because you feel sympathy for me, leave. Not once have my story turned out well and what are the chances that it is now?
Someone had to bring in the money and since Michael had put me on house arrest he was the one out working. Four days a week he was working at a club down town and I was home alone. I didn’t complain, or well I pretended to, because I liked having alone time. I would mostly read books and write in my small notebook. He didn’t know this notebook existed so I could write anything in it. My thoughts were all over the place but mostly they focused on Louis. The way I remembered his smile when he looked at me. The way he hugged me from behind because he wanted to kiss my cheek. I missed him so much and had already written a small letter to him if anything would happen. Yvette had it, she didn’t know it though. I had hidden it in a book she borrowed from me the last time I was there. I had the feeling something was about to happen and I was right.
As I sat on the window seat in the kitchen I hugged the book against my chest as I looked longingly out the window. I was almost lying down because my stomach hurt too much if I sat up so when the person occupying my thoughts looked up towards the window he couldn’t see me. I inhaled sharply and felt the pain increase because of the sudden movement and hoped to some higher power that I had been dreaming that. I looked into the apartment and nothing seemed out of place. The chairs were in their regular spots around the table. My computer was lying in the corner of the kitchen, smashed to bit on the floor. I stared at that for a long time until I heard soft knocks on the door. My eyes shot up and I stared at it in disbelief. He just couldn’t be here. This wasn’t happening. He was supposed to be home, he was supposed to mourn me when I die a slow and painful death. Instead he came here, exposing himself to danger.
I hesitantly stood up and walked slowly towards the door. I kept on hugging the notebook to my chest as I looked through the peephole in the door. I took another painful sharp breath as I saw that it was actually him standing outside the door. I placed my hand on the handle and took a shaky breath. He knocked one more time and I heard him curse outside the door. His voice made me smile but I quickly remembered that this was nothing to be happy about. I unlocked the door and opened it slowly. When the door was all the way open he walked into the flat without a word and then into our bedroom. I looked after him confused before I followed him after closing the door.
“Louis.” I spoke as I saw him walk into the closet. He didn’t respond so I spoke up higher. “Louis!” His head snapped up and he walked over to me. He gently placed his hands on my arms and looked at me as if he was searching for something. “What are you doing here?” I spoke gently because I felt like he would run otherwise. He shook his head and looked into my eyes.
“I’m here to take you home.” He let go of my arms and turned around once more. He pulled out a suitcase from the closet and placed it on the bed. I panicked and looked out towards the door, fearing that Michael would be home early.
“Louis, you can’t. It’s not safe for you to be here. You need to leave. Now.” I spoke quickly and felt my heartbeat quicken. I was so afraid he was going to get hurt. To me it didn’t make sense at all as to why Louis was here.
“I don’t care. I’m taking you home.” He closed the suitcase and carried it out to the door. He turned around and looked at me with loving eyes. “Is there anything else you have to bring with you? Anything that’s important right now?” He looked at the notebook in my hands and then up at my eyes again. I shook my head and he ordered me to put shoes on. I looked down at the floor where my shoes were and felt tears form in my eyes. He was busy with grabbing a few pictures that were stored in a box that he didn’t notice me just standing there.
“Louis..?” He looked up at me and I began crying even more. He ran up to be and looked really concerned.
“Are you alright? What is it? Do you not want to go with me?” He started to panic and I almost laughed at his rant. I shook my head as more tears left my eyes.
“I can’t bend down.” I looked down on the floor and then up at me. “I can’t put my shoes on.” He didn’t say anything as he knelt down and picked up my shoes. He unlaced one and lifted my foot to place the shoe on it. He did the same with the other foot and then tied them loosely. I sighed when he stood up and looked at me.
“You have to have a jacket on.” I nodded and pointed to the closet behind him. He turned around and picked out my jacket. He turned to me and without speaking grabbed my notebook and placed it on the table next to me. He then helped me put the jacket on and gave me back my notebook. I once more hugged it close to me as he picked up the bags he had packet. He turned to me and smiled slightly. “Keys?” I shook my head and he sighed. “We’ll just leave the door unlocked then.” I nodded and followed him out the door. I looked back one more time before closing the door. I could feel the chaos coming. I still didn’t know how I felt about all of this because my mind was still in shock. So when we got into the car and Louis started to drive towards their flat. We both sat in silence for a really long time before I mustered up the courage to look at him.
My eyes scanned the side of his face. His beautiful features looked angelic in the afternoon sun. His blue orbs looked so focused and there was a deep frown that looked so permanent. He looked like he hadn’t shaved for a few days and there were bags underneath his eyes. His mouth was in a thin line as he looked onto the road with a fierce glare. I felt a tug in my heart as I realized he was so close I could touch him. I reached my hand out towards his face and as soon as my fingers touched his skin his face relaxed. He sighed and leaned into my touch and the action made me smile. I took a deep breath before speaking in a low voice as my hand rested on his cheek.
“Thank you.” The words were simple but so honest. I really wanted him to know how thankful I was to him. He was my entire world and he kept on saving me no matter what. He glanced at me with a small smile on his lips. He lifted his hand to grab the one I had resting on his cheek. He moved it to kiss my palm and then he laced our fingers together. It was such a small thing but it made my heart swoon. He kept his eyes on the road and spoke soft words.
“Nothings else matter beside the fact that I love you.” I didn’t know what to respond to that. Silent tears rolled down my cheeks as we drove the last bit in silence. He was truly an angel from heaven.
Notes
Hello! I know I don't normally write a note here, I usually do that on Mibba instead :DBut I figured that it was needed today because I am celebrating having over 100 subs on this story! If you ad the subscribers from both Mibba and here I get a total of 106 subscribers! That is insane!
And I promised my subscribers on Mibba that when I reached 50 subs I would do a small thank you video, even though it might not be good, and it took me a little while to do it... Anyways I wanted to share it with you guys as well and tell you all THANK YOU!
WATCH IT HERE!
@kaylabear
Oh this means the world to me! The story is finished and I'm trying to edit it into a book since it is some of the most emotional stuff I have ever written. Thank you so much for reading this! :)
4/4/16